


Mélancolie des Jours D’été

by June_cldwtr



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eventual Smut, F/F, Mentions of Mental Illness, Seulrene, Sorry Not Sorry, antissocial!yerim, eventual dark content, eventual mentions of trauma, i can’t give away too much without spoiling, the more the story progresses the darker it'll get, yerene - Freeform, yermseulrene - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21767200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/June_cldwtr/pseuds/June_cldwtr
Summary: Kim Yerim is a closed off young woman, trapped in her destructive habits, trying to live a mundane life. Everything changes when she meets her beautiful, but rather annoying neighbor.  This is a tale of self discovery, romance, character study, and overall a reflection on the intricacies of many aspects of life. Everything in life is relative, and I will try my best to stay realistic and true to real life experiences.ORBecause antisocial and sassy Yerim is my daily mood.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi, Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kim Yerim | Yeri
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

|| Originally posted on Asianfanfic, this is the edited version of the fic. No major changes, just grammar and minor style changes. ||

This is going to be a series of short one-shots depicting the daily life of our favorite maknae. Each chapter is going to have its own importance, and all the chapters will be related to one another somehow. The story itself is going to be quite long as I want to take my time with it and not rush anything.

Also, this is my first time posting something on the internet so i'm open to constructive cristicism ! Let me know what you think, and enjoy the ride !

( Go to the next page to read the first chapter. )


	2. - 01

Everything around her was pitch black. A charcoal blanket engulfing her room, choking her. She tried to get up but her legs wouldn’t answer her, leaving her trembling on the cold floor. She could barely breathe through the sobs. She wanted to scream, to weep at least, but no sound would come out. In her damp dark room, only her dull heartbeat could be heard. 

How did she end up like this?

***

“We’re worried about you, Yerim.”

“You need to tell us what’s going on.”

“When was the last time you left your room?”

Yerim knew the answer to this. It had been over two months since she last went out with her friends. 

The three of them were currently attacking her with relentless questions, complaining on how inconsiderate she was to leave them all in the dark for such a long period of time.

How ironic, Yerim thought.

“Are you even listening?” 

Yerim could feel the frustration fuming out of her friends as she blankly stared at a kid playing in the background, between the cereal boxes and the chocolate bars. It was a little boy, Yerim noticed. He seemed to be talking to himself, or to an imaginary friend perhaps. He wore a yellow hat, way too big for his head, and it reminded her of the day she went fishing with her grandfather. 

Yerim realised she had been spacing out. Yet again. 

She didn’t even bother saying anything, and grabbed the bottle of strawberry milk she intended to buy in the first place. Without so much of a goodbye, she walked to the checkout, paid her drink, and left the grocery store. None of her friends came after her.

***

Yerim dreaded Friday nights. 

She dreaded Friday nights, when the whole city was set on fire, people singing and yelling like drunk sailors in the busy streets. Friday nights also meant karaoke night for her rather obnoxious neighbour. Said neighbour who was a terrible singer, with awful music tastes. And really loud speakers.  
Yerim hadn’t ever actually talked to her, nor had she ever crossed path with her. She just happened to catch a glimpse of the brunette moving in a month ago. So she didn’t know her name, she didn’t know her age -although she seemed older-, nor did she know where she came from. To be completely fair, she didn’t care much. Meeting the woman wasn’t on Yerim’s to-do list.

Until now.

Standing idly in front of her neighbour’s front door, Yerim pondered whether or not this was a good idea. A part of her needed this karaoke thing to stop, while the other just wanted to crawl back to bed without having to actually make any sort of human interaction. 

She knocked nonetheless. Three strong knocks.  
When the blasting Celine Dion song kept playing through the speakers, she huffed in annoyance and knocked once more-this time almost breaking a hole into the door.

Yerim heard the music stop. She took a deep breath in, straightened her back and braced herself for the upcoming confrontation. The door opened.

“Yes?” 

She froze. She had not expected her neighbour to be hot. Nor had she expected her to simply be wearing a large tee shirt and really short -almost nonexistent- shorts. The petite woman leaning against the doorframe had warm chocolate eyes, delicate cheekbones, and a ridiculously enticing voice. Yerim couldn’t help but stare and wonder how in the world could someone be so attractive, yet so annoying. The look on the woman’s face indicated she was seemingly amused by Yerim’s lack of answer.

“Can I help you with something?” 

That’s when Yerim started to slowly panic. Her erratic mind was trying to come up with something to say. Anything, really. She was supposed to be scolding her neighbour for being so loud and obnoxious.

Damn it, she was too gay for this shit. 

She could feel her palms getting clammy and her cheeks turning pink, so she turned her hands into fists and blurted the first thing that came into her mind.

“If I could dig my nails into your throat and pull out your vocals chords to shut you up, I would.”

The woman showed little reaction. She only raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow, the ghost of a smirk on her lips. 

Mortified by what she had just said, Yerim didn’t even wait for an answer and ran back to her apartment, before slamming the door shut. 

With her back against the wooden door, her legs finally gave in and she let herself slide to the floor. She closed her eyes and banged her head on the door behind. 

“Real smooth, Yerim,” she sighed.


	3. - 02

The bold red numbers on her alarm clock read 03:27. Another sleepless night. For the past week, Yerim hadn’t been able to sleep properly because of the ruthless summer heat. And if she was to be honest with herself, also because of a certain someone invading her mind. Ever since the embarrassing encounter with her neighbour, the blonde hadn’t left her apartment, too horrified by what had occurred -or rather what she had stupidly said. So her plan was to avoid the alluring woman like the plague. She was sure anyone else in her situation would have reacted the same way.

Realising she wasn’t going to get any more sleep, Yerim got up, made herself some iced coffee -at this point she didn’t care if she wouldn’t sleep at all- and went to get some air on the balcony. She was welcomed by a warm breeze and the dull sound of the cars passing by beneath her. Despite the late hour, -early depending on how you looked at it- there were quite a few of them. Closing her eyes and leaning against the cool rail, Yerim let her head fall slightly forward, as a way to release the tension in the nape of her neck. She felt her sore muscles stretch, and released a deep sigh, lightly cracking the bones of her neck, shoulders and spine. What a satisfying feeling. 

She stood up straight again, turned on her phone’s flashlight and scanned the tiny balcony in search of her last cigarette pack. She spotted the latter beside the rusty stool she got at a flea market two years ago. Her sister had come with her to find something for their mother. They had agreed on getting her a vintage fancy painting, but had ended up buying an old wooden stool, a Sailor Moon poster, some French -or was it German?- CDs and a pack of fruity gums instead. They had come back home ecstatic and exhausted.  
Yerim let yet another sigh escape her lips, before lighting a cigarette and taking a long puff. 

“You do know smoking is bad for your health, right?” 

Shit. 

The blonde turned her head towards her neighbor’s balcony -which was just separated from hers by a thin wood panel- and felt her heart drop when the same set of warm chocolate eyes she had been avoiding for the past week stared back at her teasingly. Yerim scoffed and took another puff, eyes not leaving her neighbor’s. 

“You really are something.” The woman clicked her tongue, and let out a soft giggle. “We haven’t been properly introduced, have we?” She extended a dainty hand over the rail, and replaced her cheeky smile by a small, almost demure one. 

Yerim just stared at the seemingly fragile fingers, the contrast ever so stark with her own calloused palms and bitten nails, and wondered how those fingers would feel wrapped tightly against her neck. She repressed a shiver. 

“My name’s Yerim. Kim Yerim.” It was all she could mutter, offering her trembling hand back. 

“Nice to officially meet you Yerim. I’m Bae Joohyun.” The petite woman graced her with another cheshire grin before carefully yet firmly shaking her hand, the fingers lingering on her skin a bit longer than necessary. 

Yerim cautiously stepped back, grabbed her Harry Potter mug and took a big sip before saying anything stupid. Wouldn’t want history to repeat itself. 

Joohyun leaned closer to her, and leaned on the rail.  
« What are you doing outside so early in the morning? »

« Can’t sleep, » the younger girl curtly answered. « Also it’s too fucking hot in my room, I’m sweating like a pig. »

A few seconds passed before Joohyun burst out laughing. Yerim, on the other side, could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, realizing she had yet again let her mouth speak without her consent. 

She was surprised at how heartwarming Joohyun’s laugh was. It wasn’t shy or reserved in the slightest, like she had expected it to be. Instead it was loud, a tad weird and very contagious. 

Yerim bit her lips and tried her best not to giggle in return. She subtly glanced at the woman beside her and gripped her mug harder. Joohyun had stopped laughing and was now staring back at her with a feline like gaze. 

How could someone go from cute to painfully hot in less than a second, was beyond Yerim. 

« We should hang out sometime. You seem like an interesting girl. » Joohyun said.

« Ok? » 

Joohyun shot her a questioning glance, smirk still painted on her lips. 

« Ok yes- sounds good. Sure. » 

« Brilliant ! » Joohyun chirped. « Well, I guess this is good night. A girl needs her beauty sleep. Sweet dreams Yerim, try to get some sleep into your system, not coffee. » She waved at her and almost got back into her flat, before adding, « I have to admit you look absolutely adorable in this. » 

Yerim frowned and followed the woman’s gaze. Fuck. Of course. 

The blonde just had to wear her Pokémon tee shirt when she met her hot neighbor for the second time. This was just great.  
She turned towards where Joohyun was to find an excuse but the woman had already got back inside.  
Yerim crushed her cigarette butt under her heel, and hissed in pain when it burnt her. She was barefoot the whole time. 

« Fuck me. »


	4. - 03

« Experts are reminding the population to stay cool and hydrated -preferably indoors- while the heat wave comes across the country. It is highly discouraged to stay outside for more than an hour from 11am to 6pm. Please take into conside-»

Yerim turned off the news and sighed. It happened every year, why make a big fuss out of it? Heat waves, drought, crops and people dying... No need to make a big deal out of it. 

She glanced at her empty cigarette pack, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. It was her last one. Which meant she needed to buy a new pack. Thus meaning she had to go outside. 

The blonde reluctantly put her shoes on, grabbed her favourite baseball cap, her wallet, and left her apartment. 

She scanned the corridor and jogged her way to the staircase when she noticed no one was there. The mission was to avoid human interactions as much as possible, get a cigarette pack and go back. Easy peasy. 

The brightness and commotion of the city startled Yerim, who gripped her cap and ducked her head down, walking with quick and small steps. Thank God the streets weren’t as busy as usual -people must have actually stayed indoors. 

She checked her watch, it was already past 6pm. The day had passed both excruciatingly slow and terrifyingly fast. She had just spent it laying on her bed with the TV as background noise, tossing and turning around, her mind blinded by a thick fog that kept her from doing anything.

She hated days like that. They were the most draining. Summer in general felt like a giant blur, one day succeeding another, weeks feeling like months, and that inescapable sense of monotony following closely behind. 

Walking past the local grocery store, the blonde stopped in her tracks when she saw a little girl messily eating some ice cream cone. She stared a few minutes without realising she might like a child abductor.

Then it hit her. 

She craved ice cream. 

The craving was so sudden and so intense, she hurriedly walked into the shop, the strong air conditioning making her shiver. It had been such a long time since she last had ice cream. The last time must have been with her sister. It used to be their little routine, to get some on their way back from school. Their mum would scold them for eating snacks just before dinner but it didn’t stop the two girls from indulging into their sugar cravings. She had it the worst though.

Yerim picked a strawberry flavoured ice pop, paid for it and made her way to the small park behind the block. 

The place was surrounded by tall trees, completely blocking the sounds of the city. She found a bench not far from the fountain and sat there, closing her eyes and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere. It was as if time had frozen still, the only ongoing noise being the small breeze caressing the grass and leaves. Yerim was starting to feel sleepy, her breathing steadying along with the streaming of water. She hadn’t felt this relaxed in months. She had missed it. 

« Careful, your ice pop is going to melt. »

Why was there always someone to ruin her precious moments?

The blonde immediately knew who it was this time. That overly sweet, caring voice could only belong to one person. Someone she would rather not see at all these days. 

She kept her eyes on the popsicle, carefully unwrapping it, before putting it in her mouth. The harsh cold clawed at her teeth and she repressed a whine. 

« What are you doing here Seungwan? » 

The brunette sat beside Yerim, handing her a neatly folded handkerchief. 

Always the knight in shining armour.

« We’ve already discussed it, I go by Wendy now. » 

Yerim snorted, causing her to choke on the ice pop and spit everything out. 

« You went to Canada once and suddenly you want to be called Wendy. » Yerim took the pale blue handkerchief and wiped her chin and hands. « You didn’t even stay a month, come on Seungwan, don’t be ridiculous. » 

This made Seungwan scoff. « Who cares? If I want to be called Wendy, just let me do whatever I- » she paused, took a deep breath and clasped her hands together, putting them on her lap. « You’re doing it again. »

« What are you talking about? »

Seungwan gestured between the two of them, « This. You mocking me, dodging unspoken questions, ignoring the giant elephant in the room. »

« You mean in the park. » 

« Stop it already ! » Seungwan hit her shoulder. « I should be mad at you. »

A small silence settled between them. 

Yerim knew. She knew Seungwan was mad at her, and it should have made her sad. Yet the only thing she felt at that moment was pure exhaustion. She was so very tired of everything. All she wished to do was to stay in her flat, lay around all day, occasionally make herself some food and just be left the heck alone. 

So she rolled her eyes at the girl and gathered her things. When she stood up, she turned to the brunette and looked at her dead in the eye. 

« Have you ever thought that maybe you were a burden to me? » She didn’t mean it, but she desperately needed Seungwan to leave her be, so she thought it was the quickest way to do it. She seriously didn’t feel like justifying herself.

She had never been really good at relationships.

Seungwan gasped, her face distorting into an almost comical mask of disbelief. She stared at Yerim, seemingly trying to figure out if what she just heard was true. She narrowed her eyes.

“I know you don’t mean that.”

Of course she knew better. 

“Look Seungwan, I don’t feel like arguing with you right now.”

Seungwan stood up with the most offended expression on her face. 

“Excuse you Kim Yerim, you left me in the dark for months on end, not replying any text, any call, not even answering your bloody door when i came to see if everything was all right. Where the hell have you been all this time? I’ve been worried sick about you and now that i finally get the chance to see you what do you do? You fucking push me away again.” 

She didn’t let any time for Yerim to reply. “What have I ever done to you to deserve this Yerim? How come we’ve gone from best friends to strangers is such a short amount of time? What happened to us-?” Yerim noticed how Seungwan’s voice cracked. How the tears threatened to come out of her pale blue eyes. 

“Well, I’m done.”

With that, Yerim turned around and left the puzzled girl by the bench. She didn’t even bother looking back when she heard Seungwan call for her in that defeated voice of hers. 

So much for avoiding human interaction.  
The whole ordeal had completely ruined her strawberry ice pop, along with her mood. 

The sun had already set when she got back. The city was slowly falling into a peaceful torpor, the heavy heat of the past few days weighing upon Yerim’s shoulders. She entered her flat, an onyx blanket covering the entire place, the shadows of her furnitures creating sinister silhouettes that threatened to engulf her. 

She took her shoes and shorts off, walked to the kitchen, made herself an iced coffee and grabbed a pillow so she could lie on the cool floor. 

Her apartment was pleasantly quiet, and she felt as if her mind was calming down a little bit. She sipped at her coffee, and absent-mindedly searched in her desk drawer for a cigarette. It was empty.

Yerim huffed and nervously ran a hand through her hair. The only reason she went out on a terribly hot day was to buy a cigarette pack yet what did she do instead? Everything but that. 

She was about to scream in frustration when deafening speakers roared through the whole building, and a familiar high-pitched voiced sang the beginning of “Greedy”. Ariana Grande was Yerim’s absolute favourite singer, and here was this witch of a neighbour completely wrecking one her best songs. The blonde quickly checked her phone- it was Friday night. 

“Oh hell no.” Yerim seethed, stepping outside her apartment. 

The chaotic singing was breaking through the building’s walls, she couldn’t even hear herself think. So she stood in front of Joohyun’s door and banged on it as hard as she could. 

Seeing as the song wouldn’t stop, she placed her palms flat on the door, took a deep breath in and yelled her heart out. 

« Joohyun open this fucking door ! »

She waited a few seconds, throat itchy when the music suddenly stopped and hurried steps could be heard from inside the apartment. Yerim didn’t even have the time to step back when the door opened harshly, making her fall backwards. 

She lifted her chin only to shiver at the mischievous dark eyes staring down at her. Shit. She had forgotten just how terrifyingly attractive the older woman was. Joohyun had a broad cheshire smile adorning her face, hands on her hips, which were only covered by another one of her large tee shirt, and an obvious lack of pants. Yerim could only stare at the milky legs before her, wondering how they would feel under her touch, shakily wrapped around her waist. She tried her very best not to whimper.  
She was supposed to be mad at the woman, for fuck’s sake.

« I see that you finally left your cave. » 

Oh Lord, she was so doomed.


	5. - 06

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer : this chapter will be bordeline NSFW. Just a heads up :)

The blonde was still comically lying on the floor, unable to move nor speak, when Joohyun’s expression changed drastically and grew serious.

« Can you explain why you’ve been avoiding me this week? » She asked.

Yerim tried to respond something witty, something that could have saved her ego but the words were stuck in her throat. She couldn’t speak because first, she knew Joohyun was right -she indeed was avoiding her like the plague ever since their little interaction on the balcony- and second, how could she even try to form any coherent sentence when her neighbour was towering over her nearly half naked? 

« Are you going to answer me at some point Yerim? » 

It was clear that Joohyun had very little patience, and didn’t like being directly ignored, judging by the tapping of her fingers against her elbow. Her gaze hardened, chocolate warm eyes turning into pitch black orbs. 

This made the blonde gulp- angry Joohyun was even more attractive. She had to come up with something. 

« I’m here now, so stop being bitchy. I should be the one mad at you actually. »

What a clever way to greet her.

Joohyun however, laughed at her words, slowly stepping closer to her. « Oh really? And why would you be mad at me, sweetling? » 

Yerim shivered at the pet name, yet not wanting to let the woman know how she was affecting her, decided to put on her best poker face. She defiantly lifted her chin, and sat up straighter.

« Remember what I told you the first time we met? »

« Something along the lines of you wanting to rip my vocal chords off, isn’t it? I still don’t see your point.» 

She was very obviously mocking her.

« Exactly. I want you to just. Stop. Singing. » Yerim elaborately said, putting an emphasis on every word.  
« I can’t stand it. Stop it. It sounds like someone is strangling a cat.»

« And yet it makes you come. »

Yerim nearly choked on air at the innuendo, which made Joohyun’s smirk grow wider. 

« You’re so easy to tease. » With that she extended a pale hand, as an unspoken token of peace, offering Yerim some help to stand back up.  
The gesture would have seemed sweet and innocent, if it wasn’t for the intimidating stare she was giving her - it was as if they were playing some power game and Joohyun already knew she had won. Thinking about it, Yerim realised it was precisely what was going on between the two of them- a cat and mouse chase with Joohyun clearly playing the feline’s role. 

Still frozen on the hard wooden floor, Yerim’s’s heart had stopped beating for a second, her breathing coming to a halt before shifting into a feeble sigh. She gathered the very little courage she had left and firmly grabbed Joohyun’s hand. 

She got up, head dizzy and heart beating again at last. Joohyun was still staring at her with that same intensity, calculating eyes piercing through her soul to read any signs of… of what? Yerim frowned, stepped out of her trance and let go of her neighbour’s hand. 

She cleared her throat to announce her leaving -because staying any longer with Joohyun was a risk she wasn’t sure she could afford to take- but the latter beat her to it.

“Do you wanna come in?”

‘No’, would have been the logical answer. 

’No’, would have been the safe decision to make.

’No’ simply was what she had intended to say.

Yet Yerim surprised herself when she let out a nonchalant “Sure”, which elated Joohyun who clapped her hands in a childish manner.

How could this woman go from intimidating to bubbly and cheerful in less than a second? 

She gestured Yerim to follow her into the living room, and made her sit on a small but comfortable sofa. 

The blonde took in the environment, genuinely taken aback by the lack of personal furniture and the simplicity of the woman’s apartment. She marvelled at how monochrome and minimalistic it was. The whole aesthetic of the flat was mostly black and white, with some faint wooden touches to it, complimented by a few plants. The air was blessed with a faint pine wood scent. It surprisingly relaxed Yerim, who almost forgot whose apartment she was in, slightly letting her guard down. 

“Coffee, tea?” 

“Coffee please.” Yerim said. 

Thinking about it, she hated how vulnerable she seemed to be when she was in Joohyun’s company- she was supposed to be this sassy, condescending young woman yet here she was, reduced to a puddle of embarrassment and quiet lust whenever she so much as looked at the woman. “Get a grip, you retard,” she sighed.

“What did you say Yerim-ah?”

Crap, she said that aloud yet again. Yerim was growing quite tired of this habit of hers.

Upon seeing the amused look on the other woman’s face, she blurted out, “I just said I’m not keen on mustard.”

Joohyun looked even more pleased about what the blonde ended up saying, her signature smirk reappearing. “Right. Obviously putting mustard in coffee is the normal thing to do.” The laced sarcasm was so thick, Yerim could almost feel it wrap itself around her throat. She couldn’t do anything but look at the grey carpet beneath her feet, in order to calm her wandering mind. 

Joohyun came back with a steaming cup of coffee for her, and tea for herself. 

“Et un café pour madame.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

Joohyun chuckled. “ It’s French.”

“You can speak French?” 

Yerim had no clue on how to speak the language but still found French to be a very smooth sounding language - even more so if it was Joohyun speaking it with that husky voice of hers. This was getting rather bad for her, she needed to regain her composure. Fast.

“Oui un petit peu. Well at least I can hold a conversation, it’s no big deal, really.” 

“Oh but it is, this is too hot for me to-“ Yerim stopped herself mid sentence, realising she was actually voicing out her thoughts, once again. So much for regaining composure. Joohyun didn’t seem to have caught on- or she did but didn’t say anything. 

She shifted towards the blonde, now facing her, their knees slightly brushing. Yerim’s breath caught in her throat so she took a long sip of her coffee, pretending to be lost in her mug, avoiding any sort of eye contact with the neighbour. 

“The coffee. The coffee is hot- too hot for me to drink. Yeah.” She cleared her throat and ran her hand through her hair in silent despair. 

She really needed to figure out what to do with this ridiculous crush she had on her neighbour, because it was getting rather out of hand. It seemed as though her body wouldn’t listen to her, as though her mind wouldn’t even be her own anymore when she was around her, and it was as frustrating as it was exciting. She hadn’t felt this thrilled about anything in months now- hell she hasn’t felt anything in months- so in a way, it was very refreshing to feel again. 

“I can almost hear your thoughts from here,” Joohyun said. She raised her hand and delicately brushed her fingers on the blonde’s skin, making her gasp.

“You feel very warm.” Joohyun’s eyes bored into hers, their warmth slowly turning into scorching heat, gazing ever so subtly at the blonde’s now parted lips.

That was Yerim’s breaking point.

She took hold of Joohyun’s jaw and pulled her into a bruising kiss, losing herself in excruciatingly soft and plump lips. She could feel Joohyun’s smirk growing, could almost hear the bubble of laughter trying to escape the woman’s throat, so in an arrogant impulse she detached herself from her, only to graze her lips on the brunette’s pale neck, causing her laughter to change into a breathy gasp. Dainty hands found their way to Yerim’s hair and pulled her closer, the grip tightening with each kiss, each bite she made. 

After weeks of absolute frustration, Yerim revelled in Joohyun’s perfume, overwhelmed by the scent of pine and honey, and she simply couldn’t stop herself. It had been so long, so very long since she last let things go. She felt so powerful. For the first time in months she felt alive.

“Yerim-“ Joohyun pulled the blonde’s hair, lifting her chin up so she could capture Yerim’s lips, who whimpered at the contact. She shifted herself and pushed Yerim into the sofa, straddling her. 

“You don’t how bad I’ve wanted this,” Joohyun said against her lips. 

Yerim wished to reply something cunning, to show the other woman how much she had craved this too but her mind was clouded with lust, helpless under Joohyun’s touches, and she could only moan when she felt teeth sear into her bottom lip.

Joohyun rocked her hips ever so slowly and smirked when a low groan rasped Yerim’s throat who tightened her grip on her, soliciting the motion again. Joohyun tentatively played with the hem of Yerim’s shirt, fingers oh so subtly slipping under, nails scraping the skin. Yerim stopped breathing altogether when she felt hands halting beneath her chest. Joohyun leaned into her and dragged her into another searing kiss, cupping her breast and sighing at the contact.

“Joohyun…” Yerim pleaded feebly, her voice only a ragged whisper. If she kept teasing her she was sure she would lose it and drown in Joohyun’s very existence. She was feeling painfully hot and weak before the woman, she needed to do something lest she’d implode from desire. Dear God she was so wet already.

Joohyun ignored her plea and slowly took Yerim’s shirt off. The cool air of the room caressing her bare breasts made Yerim tremble and she arched her back, searching for Joohyun’s warmth- however the older woman seemed to have other ideas. She broke herself from Yerim’s embrace and with her other hand she clasped the younger girl’s neck, fingers pressing against her pulse point, keeping her firmly in place. Yerim moaned but the sound came out muffled by the pressure on her throat. She shut her eyes tightly, bucking her hips against Joohyun’s. 

Her lips hovering over Yerim’s ear, Joohyun chuckled. “What was that? Couldn’t quite hear you.”

The hold on her throat didn’t loosen up and Joohyun was now teasing her chest. The only sounds coming from Yerim were inaudible gasps and desperate whimpers. She could barely breathe. She should be afraid, should push Joohyun off, but the waves of pleasure and excitement she felt compelled her to just trust the otherwoman. She felt nails slightly caressing the valley between her breasts, going south at an achingly slow pace. When Joohyun’s fingers reached her shorts, she rocked her hips to encourage the woman further but something seemed to have caught Joohyun’s attention and she stopped.

Someone knocked on the door and she groaned, getting off Yerim’s lap who was still very much half naked on the sofa, and still very much wet. 

Joohyun went to the door and peered through the peep hole, then turned to her with an irritated look on her face. 

“Get dressed. Now.”

Still panting, Yerim tried to catch her breath, confusion evident in her voice. “What’s wrong?”

Joohyun walked towards the sofa, picked up Yerim’s shirt and casually threw it at her. She gestured for her to get it over with quickly and ignored her question. What the hell was going on? 

When Yerim was dressed again, she stood up and flinched, the wetness between her legs getting quite uncomfortable. 

“Care to explain now?”

Joohyun ignored her still, ran a hand through her silky hair in order to tame it, and went to open the door. A tall man stood there, a flower bouquet in his hands. He had a broad smile on his face which revealed a single dimple. 

He murmured something which made Joohyun giggle, then took her in his arms, and kissed the top of her head. Yerim must had made some noise because he acknowledged her at last and bowed politely. 

“I didn’t know you had company, babe.” His smile widened when he added, “Nice to meet you I’m Sehun, Joohyun’s boyfriend.”


	6. - 05

Yerim awoke with a start when she heard the door bell ring for what would be the umpteenth time this day. Ever since the little “boyfriend incident” a few days ago at Joohyun’s, Yerim had expectantly avoided the woman yet again. She hadn’t come out of her apartment -not that this was unusual for her- in fear of crossing path with the brunette and having to deal with the aftermath of it all. 

To be fair, Yerim was not impressed by the fact Joohyun didn’t tell her anything about this boyfriend of hers -she couldn’t care less- but what she hated the most was facing things and listening to any kind of explanation coming from the woman. Some would say she was being a coward, but Yerim just found herself logical. The aftermaths of petty, dramatic events always drained her the most. Having to justify yourself -or in her case, hearing about Joohyun’s justifications- was both bothersome and useless in her opinion.

When this Soohun, or Sheun -whatever his name was- had finished introducing himself, she had quickly excused herself, head low to avoid any eye contact with Joohyun and had left without a word. She had fled straight to the off licence store down the block, had bought five packs of cigarettes, a large beer can and enough coffee to last her days without having to leave her flat.

Surprisingly, Yerim still didn’t know how she was feeling as of now. For the past few days she had been mostly numb, with the occasional mood swings here and there, but again nothing quite uncommon coming from her. However, she had felt rather upset about being so harshly cockblocked- she still remembered how hot and bothered she had been when she had exited the woman’s apartment.

Grunting at the memory, Yerim got out of bed and made herself a ridiculously big mug of iced coffee, still ignoring the ringing and the knocking at the door. She figured that if she ignored her long enough, Joohyun would eventually get tired of it after a few minutes, like always. 

Yerim sipped at her drink, cautiously walking around all the books and crumpled balls of paper all scattered around the floor. Her apartment was a chaotic mess, but she couldn’t be bothered to clean anything. There were cigarette butts and ashtrays on furniture, clothes haphazardly strewn on the bed, and a couple of old coffee mugs piled up in the sink. She had been living solely on coffee and cigarettes lately, as planned, with the occasional proteinbar. 

Everything was doing just fine.

She sat down on the sofa, covering herself with a thin blanket, and opened her laptop. Her Netflix homepage appeared before her eyes, and she sighed at the never-ending lists of shows she had to choose from. After what felt like a lifetime of searching, she finally settled on a series and let herself drown into the first episode.

She was absolutely mesmerized by the show when she realised she had just finished the 6th episode. Netflix could be such a trap, sometimes. 

She closed the cursed device and rubbed her sleepy eyes, making her way to the kitchen in order to make herself yet another cup of coffee. Grabbing the mug and a cigarette, she proceeded to the French window that led to her balcony and gasped when the chilly breeze of the night embraced her poorly cladded body.   
It was well past eleven, so the normally busy streets were only just falling asleep, like the rest of the city on weekdays. Yerim hummed contentedly against her mug, perched on the wooden stool, listening to the silent roar of the town’s fading breathing. She could see the moon proudly shining in the obsidian sky, illuminating the balcony with its ethereal glow. 

Moment like this were her favorite. It was the only time of the day when she could let everything go and just breathe. These last few days had just been a giant blur, days passing by while she lay on her couch, utterly lackadaisical. Thoughts of Joohyun and her luscious lips, her commanding voice and icy stare clouded her mind whenever she so much as let herself go for mere seconds. 

If she was honest with herself, she was absolutely pissed at her lack of control. She was supposed to be the one deciding everything : if a relationship should be pursued or not, how it should go, and of course when it should end. Yet here she was, somehow trapped under Joohyun’s spell, unable to escape. 

The woman was a siren, tempting Yerim with her enticing voice, caressing her body with velvet words. Yerim was but a mere sailor, clinging vainly to dear life, so the woman’s presence was slowly becoming a borderline need. Not on an emotional level, but rather in a purely sinful way. Yerim couldn’t deny it had been quite a while since she had last had power over another woman’s body and mind - with her being so very reclusive.

She was so lost in thought she didn’t hear the door close shut on her neighbour’s balcony.

“I was starting to think you were dead.”

Yerim nearly jumped out of her seat, dropping her coffee mug which broke on the floor at her feet. There was the woman she both dreaded and craved to see the most, leaning on the balcony rail, craning her neck to look at her. Joohyun seemed unfazed by the now broken mug, and stared at her with malicious chocolate eyes and that unsettling smirk of hers.

Yerim stayed put for a couple of seconds. “Sorry to disappoint the both of us, but I’m still very much alive.”

She stood up and managed to pick up the broken pieces of the mug, sighing loudly when she noticed it was her favorite- the Harry Potter one. 

“You owe me a mug, by the way.” Yerim said, looking at Joohyun expectantly.

The woman all but chuckled at that, placing her chin in the palm of her hand. “Well then if you want to play it like that, I believe you owe me a new hand.”

Yerim was confused.

“For all the times I came knocking on you door, and you left me standing like an idiot.”

Joohyun’s expression didn’t falter, if only for the slight frown now on her face. 

Yerim wasn’t sure whether to be upset or amused by that statement. She did let her knock and knock over and over again for several days without giving any sign of life. So technically she had every right to be pissed. However, Yerim was supposed to be the angry one here. First, Joohyun tear apart her ears on a weekly basis with her stupid karaoke thing. Second, she teases her mercilessly and gets her drenched and so very ready to be fucked, only to be stopped harshly by her bloody boyfriend.

Scrunching her nose at the memory, Yerim set the remaining of the mug on the small table, sat back on the stool and took another cigarette. She could feel Joohyun’s disapproving glare on her, and she heard the comment before it even left the woman’s lips.

“Before you say anything, yes I know it’s bad for my health. See if I care.”

A small silence settled between the two, so Yerim closed her eyes for a brief instant, trying her best to pretend Joohyun wasn’t there. She still felt extremely conflicted with her… thoughts on her. Joohyun’s very existence irritated her dearly, but she could not deny the fact that it made her feel again. Which was a problem, because it meant the woman already impacted her life somehow, and Yerim couldn’t stop her, as much as she wished she could. Or could she, really? 

With one last puff she threw the butt of her cigarette into the void. She couldn’t care less about the environment at this point. She cast a glance at Joohyun who was still leaning against the rail. Yerim was surprised to find her staring at the moon, a pensive look on her face. Joohyun didn’t look so predatory anymore and seemed lost in thought.

“Didn’t your mum tell you it was rude to stare?” Joohyun finally said.

“Says who? You’re always staring at me.”

“That is rather presumptuous of you, Yerim.”

Yerim rolled her eyes, stood back up, and stepped closer to the rail. She made a point of looking everywhere but in Joohyun’s direction, gaze landing on a distant point in the horizon. The cold breeze grazed her cheeks and she repressed a chill.

“He left.”

It took Yerim a few minutes before processing what the woman had said. “So?”

“Thought I ought to let you know.” 

“Well, I don’t care.”

Yerim felt a warm hand on her wrist, and flinched at the contact.

“Look at me,” Joohyun whispered, and Yerim almost closed her eyes at the low tone of her voice. She turned to her, ignoring the quick beating of her heart, and inhaled sharply when her eyes landed on Joohyun. Up close, with the eerie glow of the moon, Joohyun was simply breathtaking. Her pearly white skin was perfectly complemented by her delicate features, the curve of her nose, the surprising warmth in her eyes, all of them were framed by straight ebony hair, cascading over her petite shoulders.

She was so effortlessly stunning.

“Let’s go out tomorrow. Let me take you to dinner.”Joohyun’s fingers were tracing small patterns on the inside of Yerim’s wrist. Her smirk was replaced by a demure smile.

“ I don’t… Why do you-” 

“I want to get to know you. As I said the last time we were standing here, I do think you’re quite the interesting person.” Joohyun flashed her another one of her beautiful smiles. “You don’t have much of a choice anyway. I won’t take no for an answer.”

Yerim had no idea what to do, or how to react to that. She wanted to come up with a decent answer, but she felt her own cheeks warm up. She didn’t feel herself smile.

Joohyun must have taken her smile for a yes, because she kissed Yerim’s knuckles. “It’s a date then.” She let go of her hand, and turned towards her apartment. “I’ll be going to sleep now, I want to look well rested for tomorrow night. I’ll pick you up at seven, is that alright with you?”

“I guess it’s fine.” Yerim had trouble keeping eye contact.

“Brilliant! See you then, sweetling.”

And just like that Joohyun was gone, leaving her standing idly on the balcony. It had happened so fast. Yerim shook her head slightly, feeling like she had just come out of some sort of torpor.

Joohyun was a witch.


	7. - 06

It was already half past six and Yerim had been staring at her closet for a good 45 minutes, still standing in her underwear. The clothes before her eyes all seemed to mock her in some twisted silent way. If anything, it only made things worse.   
To say she was nervous could easily be considered an understatement - she was a mess. Yerim hadn’t gone out on a date with someone for at least a good eight months, and the fact her date was none other than Joohyun -intimidating, dangerous, cunning Joohyun- made her want to take her erratic heart out of her chest and crush it. Yerim wasn’t a lovesick puppy giddily waiting for her prince charming to swipe her off her feet. She felt like she was the complete opposite, yet here she was, worried sick about the upcoming dinner with the other woman.

She had been such a sweaty anxious wreck, unable to stay still for more than five minutes, that she’d taken to clean her whole apartment. She had even done the dishes, for fuck’s sake. Gone were the piles of abandoned mugs, gone were the cigarette butts lazily lying on the coffee table. It was all gone. Just because she couldn’t get a grip.

Yerim let a loud frustrated groan escape her lips before closing her eyes and pick the first piece of clothing her hand would grab. It was a satin black blouse she had worn for her prom night two years ago. She hadn’t worn the top since, so it was still as good as new. She put the garment on her bed and searched for a pair of black jeans to compliment the blouse. She got dressed in a flash, hastily putting some eyeliner on, grabbed fitting shoes and glanced at the clock on her kitchen’s wall which showed five to six. Joohyun would be here any minute now. At least Yerim had just the time for a quick cigarette.

She didn’t bother going on her balcony and simply opened the French window, leaning against the wall. The warm air welcomed her, and enveloped her in a soothing hug,calming her nerves. As soon as she finished smoking, she heard two firm knocks at the door. 

In all honesty, she hadn’t known what to expect, but it was certainly not this.

Joohyun was dressed in a simple yet charming summer dress, exposing the smooth expense of her neck and collarbones, as well as those tempting legs Yerim remembered to be oh so very soft. Her raven hair was draped over one shoulder, in a casual manner that was so effortlessly beautiful. Yerim glanced at her face at last, and swallowed hard when she noticed those luscious ruby lips turn into a small smirk.

“I thought I told you last night it was rude to stare.” 

Still in a trance, Yerim mumbled, “Well, it’s bloody difficult not to stare when you look like that.” 

“I suppose I got the desired effect, then. Shall we?”

Yerim nodded and seized her keys, her cigarette pack and her wallet, and locked the door. The elevator ride down was both unnerving and mind numbingly quiet. The lift itself was rather small, so the two women stood close to one another, their arms pressed lightly together. Yerim did her best to keep her gaze upwards, afraid to meet Joohyun’s intense eyes. 

She nearly flinched when she felt the woman leaning in, her face mere inches from hers and she felt her warm breath on her neck. She didn’t dare to move, anticipating Joohyun’s next movements. A few ebony locks of hair had fallen and were now tickling Yerim’s collarbone. 

“You look absolutely lovely tonight, Yerim.” 

The elevator doors opened and Joohyun swiftly left her personal space. The woman exited the elevator first, glancing over her shoulder when she noticed Yerim still hadn’t moved.

“Come on, I reserved a table. We wouldn’t want to be late now, would we?” Joohyun teased. She took hold of Yerim’s hand, leading her further into the underground parking lot. 

Yerim looked around her. “We’re taking the car?”

“Not just any car, we’re taking mine. The restaurant we’re going to is right outside of the city.” 

As it turned out Joohyun’s car was a simple black Mini, with leather seats and a sticker on the boot - “On Wednesdays, we smash patriarchy.” Yerim smiled at the sticker and gave the woman an amused look, sitting down in her seat. Joohyun started up the engine, a questioning frown on her face, and Yerim all but nodded, biting her lip to keep her from grinning.   
Joohyun surely was quite the persona. 

The ride to the restaurant was a silent and tensed one - for Yerim, at least. Joohyun didn’t seem to mind the quietness, as she hummed contentedly to herself with her eyes glued to the road. It was slightly unsettling. She could feel Joohyun glancing ever so often at her, but she kept her gaze on the landscapes outside, too shy to meet her gaze.

They arrived twenty minutes later to a beautiful mansion, made of deep grey stone walls that were covered in vines. The abode was surrounded by incredibly well maintained gardens, full of lush green trees and rose bushes. The whole place reminded Yerim of a smaller and humbler version of the Château de Versailles, which she had seen in a postcard her sister had once sent her. She couldn’t tear her eyes from the fancy surroundings, so lost in her own world that she jumped back in surprise when she felt Joohyun’s warm hand on the small of her back.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” She half whispered in Yerim’s ear. “I discovered this place by coincidence a few weeks ago. I knew you’d like it.” She led her to the large wooden front doors of the mansion, which were already wide open, a tall man bowing at their arrival.

“Good evening, Mrs. Bae, it’s a pleasure, as always. Please follow me.” The handsome man politely said.

Joohyun must be a regular here.

Before going in the restaurant -which looked more like a small castle- Yerim was sure the interior would be screaming royalty, with gilded furniture, high ceilings, and marble floor. Yet upon entering, she was pleased to see the decoration was much simpler -still looking very posh, but not as extravagant as she had expected. There were varnished wooden tables placed harmoniously around the vast room, a massive bookshelf near the high French windows, and a soft tune was playing as background music. The restaurant itself was already rather crowded, and Yerim wondered were they would sit as she couldn’t spot any free table. 

The waiter guided them further into the room before coming to a halt and gesturing the two women to walk through a small back door. Yerim followed her date who had already started walking, and gasped at the sight before her.   
There, amongst the flowers, was a small patio with a few simple tables; the trees were all decorated with fairy lights dangling from their branches, which gave the gardens an eerie glow on this fine late summer evening. 

As Joohyun approached one of the tables, she stood behind one of the chairs, waiting for Yerim to take a sit.

“I never took you for the gentleman type.”

“Oh but I am quite fond of chivalry. Some may say I’m a bit ‘old school’, or even ‘too traditional.” She pulled back the chair for Yerim to sit. “What can I say? I aim to please.”

There was a malicious glint in her chocolate eyes as she sat down, and rested her chin in one of her palms, grinning all the way up to her ears. Yerim thought she looked like the Cheshire Cat, but prettier. 

A small smile of its own made its way to her lips, and she rolled her eyes. “I don’t doubt that. Although I’m still somewhat skeptical about this.”

As if on cue, the waiter from earlier arrived with the drinks menu, but Joohyun quickly dismissed him with a small hand gesture.

“We’ll have the usual, Eric,” she said.

The man nodded, and returned inside the restaurant, leaving a confused Yerim to wonder what the ‘usual’ meant. She pondered over asking Joohyun, but decided against it at the last minute - she chose to let the woman surprise her. Instead, she grabbed her purse, and lit a cigarette, eyes wandering to the gardens around them. The air was still warm, although getting a bit chilly as the summer was ever so slowly coming to an end.

“This place reminds me of the time when I lived in France.” Joohyun announced suddenly.

“You lived in France?”

Joohyun hummed in approval. “ I went there in my fifth year of university. There was this program that allowed students to study abroad for their final year, and luckily I got to choose the country I wanted to study in - not many students were given the choice, so I was ecstatic when I found out I was amongst the very few who could choose.”

“Why did you settle for France?”

Joohyun seemed to think deeply for a moment. “I suppose I needed the challenge. To leave your comfort zone for a whole year in a foreign country you know next to nothing about, had sounded quite challenging back then. I couldn’t speak French, I had never taken any classes, and still I went there with my eyes closed, in hope to discover new things about the world and myself.” She chuckled and lay her gaze upon Yerim. “I sure discovered quite a lot during this year.”

Yerim crushed her cigarette in the ashtray, and noticed Eric coming back with a bottle of what seemed to be white wine. He poured some in Joohyun’s glass, who twirled the liquid in her hand lightly before taking a sip and nodding for the waiter to serve Yerim as well. Taking the glass to her lips, she noticed both Eric and Joohyun were waiting for her green-light.

Yerim was no expert in such fine beverages but the wine was surprisingly very sweet -nothing like the cheap piss she used to drink in high school with her friends when they wanted to get wasted. She offered Joohyun a content smile, and thanked Eric who took his leave with a curtuous bow and a satisfied grin.

Thus, the two woman resumed their conversation on Joohyun’s living in the land of croissants and baguettes. She had been living in a somewhat small city named Aix-En-Provence, in the south of France, sharing a flat with two locals. Apparently the three of them had hit it off instantly, despite some early difficulties because of the language barrier - French people, according to Joohyun, are very eager to talk to foreigners, even though most of them can’t speak English. Fortunately for her, her two flatmates had compensated their English skills with their warm welcoming and strong will to make Joohyun feel at home. After a few months of intense French studying, she had finally been able to master an incredible broken French and could hold conversations with people around her. Yerim was impressed.

Their food arrived, and Yerim stared hungrily at the exquisite dish Joohyun had taken the liberty of choosing for the both of them. In other circumstances, she would have been mad at the woman for not letting her decide for herself, but she could hardly frown when she took the first bite.

“Considering the look on your face, I take it you like the food,” Joohyun teased.

Yerim nodded, closing her eyes for a second. This was probably the best dish she had ever had in her entire life.

The rest of the meal passed in blissful silence -albeit some few comments about the food here and there- both women glad to focus on their plate. Yerim had just finished her third glass of wine, and could progressively feel the buzz of the alcohol rushing through her veins. Wine, especially white, was a tricky drink. It embraced you in a warm and cosy hug, making you feel as though everything was fine, while it dragged you down in a smooth drunken state. Joohyun had barely finished her second glass, and didn’t look tipsy in the slightest, which frustrated Yerim a bit, but didn’t stop her from drinking the delicious elixir.

When Joohyun gracefully wiped her mouth with her napkin, she took her glass of wine and leaned back in her chair. “So Yerim, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Well, tell me more about you.” 

“What do you want to know exactly?”

A curious smirk adorned Joohyun’s lips. “Everything.”

“Alright…” Yerim cleared her throat. “I’ve never been to France, for starters -I never left the country, actually.”

“And why is that?” Joohyun seemed truthfully taken aback.

Yerima sipped from her glass, her shyness disappearing faintly. “I just never had the opportunity to. I don’t mind, really. I guess I’m not brave- no that’s not the right word… Let’s say I’m not craving adventure as much as my sister does. She’s quite the explorer, always travelling to new places, sending me pictures ever so often, one day in Peru, the other in South Africa… She does the travelling for me, and I’m content this way.”

Joohyun stayed quiet a few seconds, staring at her with grown interest. “You never mentioned a sister before.”

Yerim decided to play bold. 

“Well, can’t say we’ve done much talking so far, Joohyun.” 

The spark that shot through the woman’s eyes sent chills down Yerim’s spine. Joohyun leaned in, placing her elbows on the table, looking at her intently. 

“Indeed.”

Interacting with Joohyun was like playing with fire. One moment, the woman was like a comforting candle lighting the room, the next, she was a wildfire burning down your house. The two extremes always seemed to lure Yerim into something she still wasn’t sure what to think about. The thing was that it excited her, so much that she couldn’t help but dive right into the woman’s den. It made her feel. 

Joohyun’s smirk grew wider as she asked, “Do you have any other siblings?”

“No, I only have my older sister - she might be your age actually, or perhaps a tad bit younger. I wouldn’t know. How old are you, again?”

Joohyun chuckled at the question. “My my, that’s not very polite to ask a woman’s age now, is it?”

Yerim smiled and scratched the back of her neck. “I know, I know. But I was wondering, and I was talking about my sister so I thought I’d-”

“-I’m twenty-seven.” 

“Oh, that means you’re only two years older than her- my sister, I mean. It’s good. You’re young, I mean… er… You don’t look twenty-eight, you look younger. But still very mature! You don’t look like a kid, you don’t look old either, you just…” Yerim stopped and groaned at her rambling, but it didn’t seem to bother the other woman who merely gave her an amusing look.

“What about you? How old are you?”

“I turned twenty-two in March.” 

Joohyun nodded at her statement. “Family wise, I never knew my dad, the prick left my mum when I was two, but my sister knew him. She was nine when he left. I know she missed him dearly, but she never showed it.”

“Did you ever feel sad about your father’s leaving?” Joohyun asked warily.

The blonde took a long puff of her cigarette, “Not really. As I said, I didn’t know him, so I guess I couldn’t really miss him. I missed having a dad though.”

Joohyun nodded, and the two women settled in a small silence. Yerim finished the remaining her her glass and sighed, enjoying the liquid gently caressing her throat.

The rest of the evening was spent talking about silly childhood anecdotes, current whereabouts, and future ambitions on Joohyun’s part. Yerim knew she wasn’t saying much about herself, but she didn’t know what to even tell the older woman. She had no present, the days mixing with one another in a confusing blur, and she certainly had no future either. Or at least, she had not idea what it would look like. So she kept to herself, glad to notice it didn’t seem to faze Joohyun. 

Getting to know the other woman was incredibly nice. She knew her neighbour was bound to be an interesting person, but the more they talked, the more Yerim realized just how fascinating Joohyun was. She had this habit of talking with her eyes - as the raven haired woman never broke eye contact, Yerim noticed her twinkling eyes showed a myriad of emotions she couldn’t begin to grasp, which only increased her interest for the subject at hand. For the first time in months, the blonde was truly enjoying another person’s company.

They left the restaurant, and Yerim couldn’t deny she was a tad tipsy. Her walking wasn’t laborious, but it wasn’t a walk in the park either. The thrill of the alcohol made it impossible for her to simply take any step without wavering from time to time. It made Joohyun laugh quite a lot, especially whenYerim would lean in and seek support on her side. The delicate but firm hand in the small of her back made Yerim feel strangely safe, yet didn’t lessen the effect of the woman’s fingers tracing reassuring pattern between the hem of her blouse and her pants.

They arrived at the car too soon to Yerim’s liking, not too keen on going back to her dark apartment, away from Joohyun’s warmth.

“Take me somewhere nice,” she pleaded once they were seated inside the Mini.

Joohyun once again chuckled at Yerim’s antics, “You truly are adorable when intoxicated, you know that?”

Yerim grunted at the teasing, a grin betraying her. “I just don’t feel like going back to my place yet.”

Joohyun started up the car and put one of Yerim’s hand to her lips.“Your wish is my command.”

“Then start driving already,” she retorted back.

The car exited the gravel pathway and the low rumble of the engine combined with the soothing motion calmed Yerim, who leaned against the window, eyes slowly closing.

And just like that, she was out.


	8. - 07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See the end of the chapter for author's notes!

The first thing Yerim noticed when she woke up was that she was freezing cold. The frost was clinging to her limbs like a leech, sucking the warmth out of her, and she couldn’t stop shaking. She had no idea where she was, what time it was, nor how she had ended up there. All around her was pitch black, the darkness burying her every thought, gradually choking her. She tried to call for help, but no sound came out of her tight throat. She couldn’t even hear herself breathe - was she dead? 

She took a strenuous step forward, only to groan at the pain the movement caused. Why was it so bloody hard to move? She weakly pressed her hands to her body, feeling her arms, then her stomach and legs, only to gasp at how  _ hot _ they felt under her touch. How come her body was ablaze when she felt so cold? 

The sound of footsteps to her left made her tense, and she turned her head towards the noise. The stranger’s pace was slow and determined, and the realization dawned on her : whoever was there, was coming for her. A chill ran down her spine and she could only wait in anguish til the individual marched closer. The steps stopped at last, and Yerim figured the person stood only a few feet away from her. 

She tried calling out to them, and this time, her voice was audible. “Hello?”

The stranger made a rustling noise, and she felt a burning hand on her shoulder making her jerk away from the unpleasant touch.

“I’m still here, Yerim-ah,” a woman’s voice said.

Yerim froze. She knew that voice. She remembered it all too well.  _ No. No, it can’t be. She’s not real, come on Yerim snap out of it, _ she thought vehemently. She took a few steps back, hunching against herself, her two shaking hands holding her face.

“Go away,” she croaked feebly, “you’re not here, you’re not real.”

The woman chuckled, the sound sending spikes of fear through Yerim’s skin. “You know that I am real, poppet. Stop trying to deny it now, will you? You may shut me out all you want, I will always come back to make you remember.”

A scream pierced through Yerim’s chest as she frantically tried to brace herself. “Get out! Get out! Leave me alone!”

Her mother’s laugh came to a stop, and the excruciating pain that came with it abruptly broke, leaving Yerim a panting mess on the floor. She didn’t have time to process anything when she felt another hand grab her face - it was firmer, colder than her mother’s.

Her shriek was muffled by the large fingers now pressed strongly on her throat, and she felt her body being lifted off the ground, her limp legs dangling in the void. The hand tightened its grip on Yerim, who whimpered and made a poor attempt at freeing herself. She opened her eyes to look at her attacker’s face but only distinguished a muscular arm and shoulder, a sombre fog surrounding his head.

“Let the poor girl go, Sehun.”

She gasped upon hearing that smooth voice she’d grown so fond of, relieved Joohyun was here to help her.

Sehun - _ wait, that name sounded oddly familiar _ . Yerim frowned. The tall man released her, and she fell on the floor with a loud thud. She felt two soft arms encircle her shoulders in a comforting hug, and the scent of pine wood invaded her senses.

“He left,” Joohyun murmured. “You’re safe now.”

Yerim let out a relaxed sigh and turned in the woman’s arms, in hope to find comfort in her soothing brown eyes, but when she turned around she noticed Joohyun’s face was covered by a thick dark cloth. She jerked away from the now two solid hands pulling her closer and closer against the petite figure.

“Let me in, Yerim. Let it all go,” Joohyun hissed against her temple, her small dainty hands coming up to clutch her jaw and lightly push Yerim towards the emptiness in front of her.

Joohyun was gone in a heartbeat. The warmth enveloping Yerim fled her soul only to leave a bone crushing cold eating away her skin, inch by inch. She stayed on the hard floor, confused and shaking, slowly curling herself into a ball to sob until her chest imploded with aching sorrow.

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


Yerim woke up with a start in the exact same position, her back covered in cold sweat and her cheeks damp with tears. She let out a sigh, pushed the covers off her and sat up on her bed before letting out a shriek upon seeing Joohyun at the door. The older woman was eyeing her with an unreadable expression on her face, her arms crossed over her chest. 

“What are you doing in my room?” Yerim complained, getting up.

“I should be the one asking you, actually.”

Yerim sent her an incredulous glance, ready to tell her she was not in the mood for her tiring games, when she noticed something did feel odd. She looked back at the bed, which was way bigger than she remembered, then looked around her to realize she indeed wasn’t in her bedroom.

“Where am I?” She asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“You passed out in my car yesterday, so being the thoughtful woman that I am, I brought you here.” Joohyun sighed. “I would have expected a thank you.”

Yerim sat back against the headboard, trying to remember anything from the previous evening - she recalled going to a very nice restaurant with Joohyun, drinking a bit too much of that delicious wine, then nothing. She couldn’t remember the ride back home. An embarrassing thought came to her, so she hastily glanced at herself, noticing her lack of pants. She was simply dressed with an oversized shirt, and her black knickers.

“What am I wearing?” She whispered, surely blushing from head to toe.

Joohyun looked her up and down and shrugged. “One of my shirts. Again, I could ask for a thank you for lending you clothes but-”

She was cut short by Yerim’s trembling voice, “How did I get into this?”

“Oh  _ honey _ ,” started the older woman with a smirk on her lips, “I promise I didn’t look-” She took three slow steps towards Yerim and gently grabbed the hem of her shirt. “-too much,” she added teasingly.

At this point Yerim wasn’t sure whether to be outraged the woman had had the  _ nerve _ of undressing her and enjoying the view, or to be whimpering at how hot Joohyun was with that smoldering stare of hers, fiddling ever so lightly with her shirt. The older woman slowly leaned in, mouth ghosting over Yerim’s ear, the tip of her tongue barely grazing her earlobe. Yerim inhaled sharply, her eyelids fluttering shut at the feeling. 

“Hm, salty.” Joohyun chuckled. “You need a shower. You’ll tell me all about this nightmare you had afterwards.”

She then stepped back, turned on her heels and gracefully left the room without looking back. A shuddering breath Yerim didn’t know she was holding escaped her chapped lips, and she shook her head. She was irritatingly weak when it came to Joohyun.

She noticed a towel was neatly folded on the desk, along with some spare clothes- certainly Joohyun’s. She grabbed those, and entered the en suite bathroom. She rolled her eyes at how  _ expensive _ it looked. The whole bathroom was made out of white marble, with a walk in shower and a large freestanding bathtub which looked like it was taken straight from an Italian palace. 

Yerim let out a silent moan when the hot water poured down on her back, washing off the sweat and crippling dread her night terror had left on her body. She tried remembering, but could only make out a few flashes - darkness engulfing her, a man’s hand on her throat, the scent of pine wood… Yerim shot her eyes wide open at the memory. She hurriedly got out of the now scalding water, dried herself and put on the clothes Joohyun had left for her. Her hypothesis was confirmed when she caught a whiff of pine wood coming from the spare clothes. Pine wood. Joohyun smelled of pine wood. How could she had forgotten that? Yerim frowned and bit her lip, wondering why Joohyun was in her dream, and what her role was. 

Making her way to the kitchen, she was pleasantly welcomed by the sound of coffee brewing, and eggs sizzling in the frying pan. She stood awkwardly by the kitchen bar, unsure how to make her presence known. Joohyun had her back turned to her, busy cooking breakfast and humming softly to herself. She put the fried eggs on a plate with a buttered french toast, then proceeded to pour the steaming coffee in a large mug.

“Do you want milk with your coffee?” She asked, placing the breakfast on the table.

“Yes please.” 

Joohyun poured a tiny cloud of milk into the mug, before sitting down across her guest. Yerim ate her breakfast in silence, murmuring some ‘thanks’ and ‘it’s really good’ from time to time. She could feel Joohyun’s stare as she finished the eggs and got up from her seat, then put the plate in the sink before turning around to find the older woman still looking at her curiously.

“Can we talk while I go for a smoke?” 

“How can you smoke first thing in the morning? Doesn’t it make you feel sick?” Joohyun frowned, barely hiding her disgust.

Yerim let a small smile gain her lips and shook her head, grabbing her mug and a cigarette. “It’s an old habit, I can’t start the day without a cigarette to go with my coffee.”

Joohyun chuckled. “That’s such a French thing to do.” 

Yerim ignored the comment with a roll of her eyes and stepped out in the balcony. The refreshing morning air welcomed the two woman with open arms. Yerim figured it was still quite early upon seeing the last bits of peachy stains coloring the skyline, and the strange stillness of the world around them. Neither woman said anything in the first five minutes, both absorbed in the view laying before them.

“It happens frequently, the nightmares,” Yerim said, breaking the silence. “I’ve had them my whole life, I’m used to it now. Most of the times I can’t even remember the dream... I just find myself waking up abruptly, covered in sweat, scared to death.” 

“Do you know why you have those?” Joohyun asked, leaning against the balcony rail.

“Well, I suffer from quite intense episodes of dissociation, which can mean sometimes my thoughts and memory detach themselves from my mind, if you will.”

Joohyun raised her eyebrows, seemingly confused at the statement.

“Basically, dissociating is like ‘zoning out’, but ten times stronger,” Yerim explained. “It’s rather complicated to put words on the process… Thing is, I dissociate quite badly, and it affects my memories a lot - from random ones to very significant memories. It’s my coping mechanism against things my mind finds threatening. Hm… How should I put this… Let’s just say I unconsciously forget anything that could remotely hurt me. Which I believe is both a curse and a blessing.”

“And why is that a blessing?” 

“Thanks to that, nothing really fazes me anymore. I don’t dwell on anything, I have no regrets whatsoever, and I’m able to move on from things at an incredible fast pace. However, the fact that I have almost no recollection of what happens in my life, I feel like I’m just a ghost, or the shadows of myself…”

Joohyun nodded, and took the mug from Yerim’s hands to take a sip. “What does it have to do with the nightmares though?”

Yerim chuckled bitterly at the question. “You see, the nightmares are the only way my mind can ‘show me’ the memories I’ve lost- or more like shut out. The memories briefly come back when I’m asleep. It’s usually very violent, the way they manifest themselves ”

“So now you remember the memories that were in last night’s dream?”

“I told you, when I wake up I don’t remember what happened in the nightmare. That’s why it’s even more frustrating. I remember bits and pieces, but that’s about it.” 

She thought about that feeling of a strong hand choking her, of the scent of pine woods engulfing her, and turned her gaze away from Joohyun. She had no idea what was the woman’s role in last night’s dream, and certainly had no intention of ever mentioning it in front of her. Perhaps the fact she slept in Joohyun’s bed interfered with her sleeping and the pine wood aroma from the bed sheets might have seeped through her mind. Yerim internally shook her head and decided not to dwell on it any longer. She crushed her cigarette under her heel and threw the butt in the bin, careful not to throw it out the balcony in front of Joohyun. 

“Anyway, I think I should go,” Yerim said awkwardly.

Joohyun took a few steps forwards and grabbed her hand, a kind smile adorning her face. “Could you stay with me a little longer?”

“What for?” Yerim asked, barely able to keep the smile from forming on her lips.

Joohyun circled her arms around Yerim’s waist. “To keep you company, of course. I’m not going to let you return to your flat and stay locked up all day on your own.”

Yerim smiled, her own arms going around Joohyun’s shoulders. “Who’s to say you’re good company?”

“I am very offended Yerim, here I thought I had succeeded in wooing you last night.”

Yerim burst out laughing. “Woo me?”

Holding her chin high in defiance, Joohyun nodded. “Yes, woo you. You’re very wooable.”

“Ok now you’re just making up words.”

“I don’t care,” Joohyun said, “the point is, you’re gonna spend the day with me, to take your mind off things. And enjoy my  _ delightful _ company.” She placed a chaste kiss on the tip of the blonde’s nose, flashing her with a bright grin.

“Ok, fine but only because I don’t have much to do today anyway.” 

“Perfect !” Joohyun detached herself from Yerim, clapping her hands together. “Because I know just the thing we could do today, sweetling.”

Yerim arched an eyebrow in a silent question, to which Joohyun winked. “You’ll see.”

  
  


_ Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into? _ Yerim internally grunted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I know you all have questions, and I will be more than happy to answer any of them to the best of my ability.  
> Just to clarify things, concerning Yerim's dissociative disorder, I know talking about any kind of mental disorder is quite tough. My goal isn't to offend people dealing with that, however, I would just like to say whatever I write in this story is directly taken from experiences. I'm not making anything up. Thank you for understanding that.
> 
> See you soon, I hope. 
> 
> June


	9. - 08

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Finally committing to posting this story on AO3 as well! I made some edits and I know it’s been ages, very sorry about that...  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story so far !)

Joohyun was determined to keep the location where she was taking Yerim a secret. It didn’t matter how many times she asked, the woman’s lips were sealed and apparently nothing would make her give in. She had insisted on walking there, despite Yerim’s groan of protest and complaints about the heat outside.

“Do you ever stop complaining?” Joohyun teased, taking Yerim’s hand into her own.

The latter scoffed and looked away, trying to conceal her shyness at the gesture. She wasn’t one to initiate skinship but it didn’t seem to bother the Joohyun as she turned out to be rather fond of touching her whenever the opportunity presented itself. They walked downtown for a good 20 minutes, casually discussing mundane things to break the silence.

“Are you nervous?” Joohyun asked after a while, a broad grin painted on her face.

“No, I’m just curious as to where we’re headed, is all. What if you’re taking me to your secret vampire lair to suck all my blood and kill me,” Yerim joked.

Joohyun leant closer to her, lightly caressing her arm. 

“Would that bother you?”

The comment sent shivers down Yerim’s spine and she looked away again, feeling the warmth return to her cheeks. She wasn’t feeling so bold anymore, and couldn’t answer her neighbor’s question without stuttering and embarrass herself. Of course it wouldn’t  _ bother _ her if Joohyun led her to a trap to ‘suck all her blood’. However she would be rather disappointed to just die afterwards and not be able to relive the moment. She knew the power the other woman had on her, and as much as she tried to deny it, she actively  _ craved _ her touch. Although the more time spent with her, Yerim noticed she also started craving her mere company. Joohyun was so very intoxicating, everything about her was like a sip of wine - sweet, rich and addictive.

Joohyun suddenly stopped walking and stared at her with glee, barely hiding her toothy grin. “We’re here.”

Yerim frowned and looked around her to see where they were. She recognized the gigantic glass building before them. 

“The aquarium?” 

Joohyun nodded excitedly, and led her to the entrance. Yerim was surprised. She hadn’t been to the aquarium for years, she couldn’t even remember when exactly was the last time she went. 

The only faint memory she had was her sister’s smile upon seeing all the exotic sea creatures, her warm comforting hands on her shoulders guiding her through the rooms, and the scent of her citrus shampoo. She couldn’t remember any of the fishes, only her sister and the feeling of safety and wonder she had brought her. To be reliving this experience with Joohyun, sent her in a giddy state- especially with the woman’s warm hand in hers, the subtle scent of pine wood engulfing her, and the constant sweetness she carried in the tone of her voice whenever she introduced her to a specific species. Yerim felt like a child again, experiencing Christmas for the first time. Her mind couldn’t keep up with all the emotions that were rushing through her- awe, curiosity, elation, confusion, melancholy, euphoria… Everything was hitting her all at once, she couldn’t process what was happening to her. She could barely hear Joohyun anymore, her voice muffled by the loud thumping in her chest.

After what seemed like a blissful eternity, the two women exited the aquarium, their arms tightly linked together. The rush and adrenaline was slowly fading, and Yerim let out a long and tranquil sigh when she felt the mild breeze on her burning cheeks. The sun was lower in the sky, and taking a look at her watch, Yerim realized they had spent nearly two hours inside. She glanced at Joohyun and noticed the woman was already looking at her with a content smile on her face.

“You know, it’s the first time I’ve seen you so… happy,” she said. “Can I safely assume you liked our little date?”

Yerim’s grin broadened and she let a chuckle escape her throat. Still feeling a little high from the roller coaster of emotions, she placed a chaste kiss on Joohyun’s lips and sighed when she felt a dainty hand on the back of her neck. 

“Thank you for today,” she whispered against her lips.

  
  


“Oh but the day isn’t over yet,  _ sweetling _ .”

The pet name made Yerim’s heart swoon - and it was at this moment that she felt herself slip away. The world seemed to pause for a second, the sounds of cars and people chatting nearby slowly fading away, drowned by the dull ringing in her head. Yerim drew in a shuddering breath, and tried to focus her gaze on Joohyun’s blurry face, which only deepened her confused state. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. Not now. Despite her frantic efforts to stay grounded, Yerim couldn’t stop the wave of crippling emptiness take over her body. She saw a hand grab her arm, frowned when she realized she couldn’t feel it and recoiled from the woman’s grasp. 

The dull beating wouldn't stop pressing at her temples and she couldn’t do anything but breathe in and out as slowly as she could. Her vision was blurred, static, and she couldn’t keep her eyes open for long, the simple act crushing her foggy mind. 

_ Come on Kim Yerim, stay right here.  _

Then it all came back to her - the light wind grazing her skin, her surroundings becoming clearer, her body answering her, and Joohyun’s voice softly calling her name.   
  
“-ay? Do you want to sit down for a bit?”

Yerim finally saw the concern written all over the woman’s face, her brows furrowing while she worried her bottom lip.

“You look cute,” she blurted out eerily.

For the first time since they’ve met, Joohyun seemed taken aback. She sighed. “You got me quite worried, Yerim. Are you sure you’re ok?”

“What do you mean? I’m fine.”

“You spaced out for quite some time just now, you wouldn’t answer me.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize, » Yerim said. Forcing a wide smile, she took Joohyun’s hand into hers and squeezed it. 

“So, what have you got up your sleeve now, Joohyun?”

The woman continued to look at her with a worried hue in her eyes, then squeezed Yerim’s hand back and gave her a loopsided grin. 

“I noticed your unconditional love for coffee, so I figured I’d take you to my favorite coffee shop.”

This time a genuine smile split across Yerim’s face. “I would die for some coffee right now.”

Joohyun tugged her onwards and started walking. “It’s settled then!”

The pair ended up in a small but cozy little café, where only a few customers were seated with their laptops and sheets of papers. Yerim figured the place wasn’t very well known, and felt relieved she didn’t have to stand numerous people chatting and laughing loudly. Joohyun seemed to know the barista quite well as the latter shouted her name with a broad grin on his face. The woman waved and told him to prepare the usual for the both of them. 

“Am I not allowed to choose my own drink?” Yerim teased. 

Joohyun let out a hearty chuckle and led her to a secluded booth near the large windows. “You will absolutely love the drink I ordered for you, trust me.”

As it turned out, Yerim  _ did _ love it. 

They spent the remaining of the afternoon sharing personal stories of when they were kids, laughing uncontrollably with the occasional teasing comments and lingering touches here and there from Joohyun. Not only was this woman incredibly charming and attractive, but she was also a spectacular convertionalist. She knew how to add flair to each and every one of her stories. It was enthralling. 

“Wait wait wait,” Joohyun suddenly said. “I never asked you what you were doing in life.”

Yerim let out a sigh and a sheepish smile adorned her lips, “Well, I was supposed to be an art student.”

“What do you mean you were ‘supposed’ to be one?”

“I dropped out of college a few months ago. I was growing bored with classes, uni life and seeing so many people every day.” She took a sip of her coffee and looked out the window. “I’ve only been staying in my flat, not doing much. So I guess you could say I’ve been on vacation ever since.”

Joohyun contemplated the idea for a moment, before asking, “But how do you pay rent? And groceries?”

Yerim turned to look at her with a serious expression on her face. “I’m a stripper at night, that’s how I make money.” 

A deafening silence settled between the two. Joohyun’s frown deepened and it was clear she was trying really hard to digest the information properly. She opened her mouth to say something but stopped when she noticed the corner of Yerim’s mouth slowly lifting. 

She burst out laughing. 

“Kim Yerim you-“ Joohyun smacked the girl’s arm, her cheeks turning to a warm pink. “You’re the absolute worst.”

“Oh God, the look on your face was priceless,” Yerim chuckled. 

“I’ll get you back for this, just you wait,” Joohyun pouted. “So if you’re not a stripper, how do you pay for rent then? And don’t tell me you have a sugar daddy or I swear to God I will fight you.”

Yerim shrugged. “My mum was wealthy, sort of. Let’s say I inherited some of that wealth.”

The mention of her mother tensed her shoulders, it wasn’t a subject she was very fond of. 

“Oh, I see. May I know what happened to your mum?”

Yerim clenched her jaw and looked away. “No.”

She heard Joohyun sigh, and felt warms hands caressing her own. “I’m sorry for asking. You don’t have to talk about it.”

She glanced at the older woman and saw the worry and compassion in her eyes. She bit the inside of her cheek. It stung. 

“Thank you for today Joohyun, but I think I should go home now. Alone, if you don’t mind.”

Yerim stood up, left a few bills on the table and rushed outside before Joohyun could catch her. 

Her mind was racing, her heart was beating out of her chest and so she ran as fast as she could. She didn’t know where she was going, she just ran and ran until her lungs were burning. She needed to get away and clear her head. 

After what seemed like hours, she finally slumped on the ground, near a bus station. She panted heavily, struggling to catch her breath but lit a cigarette anyway. What a great way to make it worse. 

She closed her eyes and took a hit, her mind finally numbing. 

_ At last, _ she sighed. 


	10. -09

Yerim didn’t know how she managed to go back to her apartment, but she did. The sun had long set, leaving the city to bask in the hot night’s moonlight. Cars and passers-by were still very much alive, going about their evening in a rather fast paced manner. Everything was getting much too loud to Yerim’s liking, so she entered the building hastily, craving some peace and quiet. She chose to take the lift, her legs too sore from her earlier exhausting run. When the doors opened on the 5th floor she had expected Joohyun to be waiting for her by her doorstep, but released a profound sigh upon seeing the corridor completely empty. She noticed a small note stuck to her door, delicate cursive handwriting that said “ _ I wish I could be of any help. I enjoyed our little escapade today, hopefully it won’t be the last one. I’m sorry if I ever said anything wrong. Take care, and please don’t become a stranger.” _ Yerim knew from whom the note was and stared at the words for a few seconds before pocketing the yellow note and retreating back to her dark apartment. 

She didn’t bother turning on any light, took off her shoes and got out of her sweaty clothes. She got to the fridge, opened up a beer can and lay on her bed. She took a long sip and lit the half of a cigarette that was in the ashtray on her bedside table. Another sleepless night to come. 

  
  
  


*******************

  
  
  


Two days. It had been two whole days since her date with Joohyun, and she had yet to knock at her door. Two days of silence. Yerim didn’t know how to process the woman’s absence. Was she mad at her for fleeing the coffeeshop the other day? Should she attempt to make contact with her first? Should she apologise to her? Yerim was helplessly confused. The little note Joohyun had left when she had returned home indicated the woman was understanding, and mostly just worried about her. Was it what it was? Was Joohyun feeling guilty somehow? Was she waiting for her to initiate contact? A long sigh escaped Yerim’s lips as she pinched the bridge of her nose. The awaiting awkwardness upon seeing Joohyun after all this was slowly plaguing her mind. She hated situations like this. Yerim was very skilled at disappearing out of nowhere, but she was terrible at making amends and apologising. Although she couldn’t deny she had messed up, she had no idea how to even fix the messes she’d made. It was too much of a burden. Maybe she was a coward, or a straight up bitch, but she couldn’t be bothered to care anymore.

Or so she thought.

Joohyun was a different case, and she hated how puzzled she was feeling at leaving her in the dark. The knot in her stomach was proof of how different things were with her. Yerim felt guilty. It frustrated her to feel guilty for standing the woman up. It had been ages since she last felt remorse for anything, and now that she was experiencing this again, it freaked her out. Why in the world was she feeling bad for the older woman? She’d known her for such a short time, it shouldn’t even be an issue and yet here she was,  _ feeling _ these irritating and irrelevant feelings. It made no sense.

She got out of her bed, knocking over a few piles of books on the way and searched for a particular pair of shorts. She looked into the pockets and found the piece of paper she was looking for. The note was all crumbly but the words scribbled on it were still perfectly readable. 

_ ‘Please, don’t become a stranger.’ _

The plea rang loud in Yerim’s mind, and another pang of guilt clenched her chest. She groaned and threw the note on the other side of the room, before slumping disgracefully on the floor. 

“I hate you Bae Joohyun.” She closed her eyes and pondered over what the heck she was supposed to do.

  
  
  


********************

  
  
  


This was ridiculous. She was ridiculous. What was she even doing?

Yerim was pacing back and forth on her neighbour’s doorstep, dressed in nothing but her pajamas with two Starbuck’s cups of coffee in hands. She’d been debating whether or not this was a good idea for the past ten minutes, increasingly getting irritated as the seconds passed because the coffee was getting colder and colder. 

What was she going to tell Joohyun? ‘ _ Hi, I’m sorry I’m a fuck up.’  _ Yerim stifled a snort and shook her head in annoyance _. ‘Hi, it’s been a while, what’s poppin’?’ _ Like hell this was going to work.  _ ‘Hey there, I thought I could make it up to you with this ridiculously expensive cup of coffee.’  _ Ok, that was just lame.

Fed up by her useless rumination, Yerim stopped dead in her tracks, took a deep breath in and lifted up her chin with dignity as a way to mask her dread.

“Here goes nothing,” she mumbled.

She knocked three strong knocks, and took a step back. 

After a few seconds of silence, she knocked again, this time five knocks. She waited. Nothing.

The silence she was met with was starting to make her antsy. Was Joohyun not home? Yerim was certain she’d heard noises from inside her apartment before she had headed to Starbucks. 

She wondered why the woman wasn’t opening her door when suddenly her heartbeat stopped. It dawned on her- Joohyun didn’t want to see her. Great. She knew it, the older woman was indeed mad at her. Fucking perfect. She had ruined it. Again.

Yerim took another long breath in and tried to stay composed, but she could feel hands and claws slowly grip her shins, her neck and her arms. The cold sensation sent shivers down her spine and she felt a thick cloth encircling each and every one of her limbs. She was starting to suffocate. 

Joohyun was mad at her. 

Joohyun was mad at her.

Joohyun was mad at her.

She had fucked everything up again because of her stupid childish behaviour and Joohyun had realised how messed up she was. She needed to calm down and stop overthinking but the shrieks in the back of her mind wouldn’t shut up. 

You fucked up. 

You fucked up. 

You fucked up.

She gripped the two coffee cups a little too tight and managed to spill coffee all over her pajamas. Her wet clothes clung to her skin, damp and gross. She wanted to die right then right there because of how pathetic she looked. The corners of her eyes stung and she knew she was about to cry any minute now. She needed to leave. She needed to go back to the safety of her apartment but her legs wouldn’t stop shaking. She was frozen on the spot, her anxiety constricting every single one of her muscle. She was stuck. She was stuck and she couldn’t do anything but shudder and cry and scold herself and-

“Yerim?”

Her heart broke. _ No. No. Please no, not you. Not now. Please God don’t let her see me like that, please I- _

“Oh my God, Yerim what happened? Are you ok?” Joohyun rushed to her shaking form. “Yerim, what’s going on? Look at me sweetie.” The amount of worry and compassion leaking through her voice was like a soft slap to Yerim’s heart.

She was mortified. She wouldn’t open her eyes to look at her, she couldn’t. How would she explain all this? 

“I’m sorry,” she croaked, desperately clutching the now near empty cups of coffee. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she repeated over and over again, tears running down her face.

Joohyun carefully took Yerim in her arms, in a secure embrace. “Shh, it’s ok love. You’re ok. You’re ok.” She let Yerim weep on her shoulders while she softly threaded fingers through her hair, humming low to calm her down. 

The pair stayed like this for a while, Joohyun comforting her while she breathed in the older woman’s soothing scent. Then Joohyun started singing. 

“ _ Just close your eyes, the sun is going down _

_ You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now _

_ Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound.” _

Yerim opened her eyes at the angelic voice softly singing in her ear. Joohyun was gently rocking left and right, as if slow dancing to the melody.

“I thought you were a terrible singer all along,” Yerim said. She lifted her head and perched it on Joohyun’s shoulder, nose buried in the crook of her neck. 

The two woman kept dancing timidly, comfortable in each other’s embrace. 

“Wanna know a secret?” Joohyun asked. She didn’t stop caressing Yerim’s back. 

Yerim nodded and gripped Joohyun’s shirt a tad tighter. 

“The first time I saw you was the second week after my moving in. You were smoking a cigarette on your balcony, and it didn’t look like you noticed me. You seemed both serene and troubled, and just like that my curiosity was piqued. It didn’t help that you were also very cute.” Joohyun placed a kiss on the top of Yerim’s head. 

“It was then that I decided I needed to know who you were. So I thought of a plan to get you out of your cave. Every Friday night I would blast obnoxious songs on my speakers, and sing as horribly as I could. It went on for a few weeks before one evening you came hammering at my door.”

Yerim couldn’t help but gasp indignantly. So Joohyun had been planning this all along? 

The older woman chuckled. “Your reaction when you first came to me was priceless. The second time was even better.”

“I can’t believe you’ve been pretending to be a terrible singer this whole time.” Yerim sighed and took a step back, her hold on Joohyun unwavering. She admired the woman’s face, her delicate features, the sheepish glint in her eyes, and the fullness of her lips. She leaned in. Joohyun’s lips were so soft, so compliant. It made her heart swell. The kiss was tender yet passionate. Demure yet sensual. The kind of kiss you didn’t know you’d been missing all your life until you got a taste of it. The kind of kiss that felt like home. 

“Do you feel better?” Joohyun asked against her lips. 

“Yes.” 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Yerim caught the genuine concern in the older woman’s voice and it eased her nervous mind. She felt as though she could trust her with this, considering how compassionate and caring the older woman was being. Perhaps it was Yerim’s cue to open up a tiny bit more. She cupped Joohyun’s cheeks with both hands and whispered, “Kiss me again first.”

And Joohyun did.    
  



	11. - 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW : NSFW, smut ahead y’all..!

“Are you done with the nail polish?” Joohyun asked.

Yerim shook her head and continued to neatly apply said nail polish. The two women were hanging out in Joohyun’s apartment, doing nothing but lie around in their underwear and eat cookies, having decided to enjoy some self care time. The mere concept of self care was alien to Yerim- she was so deep in her bad habits and self destructive behaviours that the idea of spending a whole day pampering herself was as bizarre as it was exciting. 

The two of them had spent the last two weeks together, figuring out how to behave with each other, and they were slowly becoming more and more comfortable with the other’s presence. Joohyun wasn’t so dangerous anymore, although she still was very much alluring and predatory like. They’d talked. A lot. They’d talked about everything and nothing at the same time. Their chemistry was undeniable and Yerim still felt taken aback at how  _ easy _ it was to be with Joohyun. She was caring, patient, always knew what to say to make her at ease and oh God she was so very  _ playful _ . Yerim found herself crying of laughter numerous times at Joohyun’s antics. She was  _ that _ funny- which again surprised Yerim in a way, because the older woman had seemed like a very poised and serene person at first. Oh how wrong she had been. Although Joohyun still had a very calm and collected aura to her, Yerim had the pleasure to find out just how hilarious and spontaneous she could be. The same could be said about her. It had been so long since the last time she’d laughed so hard, so long since she’d last teased and pranked someone for the sheer sake of a good laugh. Yerim was slowly but surely starting to feel alive again. She was starting to feel  _ human _ again at last.

“What are you doing? You’ve been on this nail for hours now.” 

Yerim chuckled and looked up to see Joohyun looking at her with a confused expression on her face. 

“It’s dry,” Yerim said. She hid her work from the older woman and chuckled quietly.

“You’ve got that look again,” 

“What look?”

“That look.” Joohyun pointed at Yerim’s face as if she was supposed to know what she was talking about.

“I still don’t know what you’re on about.”

Joohyun was clearly trying not to smile, when she lifted up Yerim’s chin with her hand and stared at her very soul. “The look you have when you’ve done something stupid that you’re proud of.”

A wide grin made its way across Yerim’s face before she showed her the middle finger. “This special nail is solely dedicated to you.”

Joohyun’s smile didn’t falter when she frowned and took said finger to examine it. The nail background was black and shaky words were written in the middle in pink. It simply said ‘ **u suck’** . Although it looked like a four year old kid had done it, Yerim was so damn proud of herself. She was a fucking genius, a master clown for sure. She waited for Joohyun’s reaction with childish glee, expecting the most glorious laugh from her.

What she had  _ not _ expected, was for Joohyun to look at her expectantly with a smirk painted on her lips.

“Well alright then, love.” Joohyun then leaned closer to her and slowly took her finger in her mouth, ever so slowly. Yerim’s heartbeat stopped. The heated gaze Joohyun was giving her while she softly sucked on her finger sent shivers down her spine.    
  
Fuck.

Now the tables were turned. Yerim opened her mouth to say something but her words mixed with a silent whimper when Joohyun bit her finger. She released it delicately before quirking her brow, her infuriating smirk still in place. 

“Cat got your tongue?”

She didn’t bother answering Joohyun and pulled her in a searing kiss. Joohyun’s lips were so soft and addicting, Yerim felt like drowning in them. She felt the tip of a tongue playfully teasing her, daring her to submit and let her guard down. A soft gasp granted the older woman access and Yerim could swear she felt Joohyun’s smirk widen. She moaned as she felt two strong hands grasp her wrists and pinned them securely above her head, her body now flushed against tantalizing curves. She was completely at Joohyun’s mercy and the realization made her shudder. Her heart hammering in her chest, she briefly broke away from the kiss to suck in air, Joohyun’s lips trailing bruising kisses down her neck, biting at the junction where neck and collarbone meet. Yerim moaned and bucked her hips against the older woman, the heat in her lower stomach growing stronger.

“Shh, be patient love. Wouldn’t want to rush this now would we?” Joohyun’s teeth grazed her ear, hot breath teasing her skin. “I’d rather see you writhe and sigh, helpless beneath me.” 

Yerim moaned again at the predatory tone of Joohyun’s voice, already incredibly turned on. She silently cursed herself for being so compliant, but the need for Joohyun’s touches was greater than her stupid pride at the moment. When Joohyun bit down on her collarbone again, she arched her back and tugged weakly at the hands locked on her wrists, to no avail. A low chuckle escaped Joohyun’s throat as she sat up and straddled Yerim, two strong legs grounding her further into the sofa. She could feel just how hot Joohyun’s legs were, firmly pressed on both sides of her hips. The contact made her head dizzy. Her legs were so fucking  _ soft _ . Joohyun’s smirk faded into a commanding glare, soft brown eyes changing into dark dangerous ones. Yerim gulped.

“Don’t you dare move your arms.” 

It was a simple command, but Yerim knew she’d have a hard time staying still. She wanted to touch and kiss every inch of the pale skin before her, taste her, mark her. But she knew that if she went against Joohyun’s instructions she’d regret it bitterly. The dilemma was tough, yet she knew she really had no choice but to surrender.

Joohyun must have noticed her silent agreement, because she hummed approvingly. “Good girl.”

Yerim’s heart swelled at the words and it eased her pride. Fingertips traced the curve of her collarbone, every so slowly trailing down the valley of her breasts, grazing the lacey bra that covered Yerim’s chest.

“Off.” Joohyun licked her lips.

Yerim meant to take the garment off but stopped dead in her tracks when she remembered the order to stay still. She frowned and looked at the woman on top of her, confusion surely marking her face. How was she supposed to take her bra off without moving her arms? 

As though reading her mind, Joohyun bit her lip and stifled a laugh. “Use that pretty little brain of yours.”

Yerim stared at the woman in wonder, as her mind buzzed and hurried to find a solution. She smiled slyly as a thought came to mind. She rolled her hips against Joohyun’s and let out a provocative moan, smirking when she saw the woman’s eyes flutter and her jaw clench. Two could play this game. Yerim sat up against Joohyun, careful not to bend her arms as she swiftly placed them around the brunette’s shoulders. 

Before Joohyun could say anything she rolled her hips once more, leaned impossibly closer to her and whispered, “Touch me.”

The low moan coming out of Joohyun made her gasp, as she felt hands clawing at her sides and lips clashing onto hers. In the blink of an eye Yerim’s bra was thrown away, and demanding lips were kissing and sucking at her breasts. When Joohyun teased a nipple and took it into her mouth, Yerim croaked out a breathy moan, her hands tugging at the woman’s neck. She needed to feel her closer, needed her to hold her tight and never let go. The whole situation was terribly sensual and Yerim’s mind went blank, the only thought remaining being  _ ‘closer, closer, closer _ ’. Her mind chanted Joohyun’s name over and over again, like a prayer. She bucked her hips and rocked against Joohyun, a quivering mess when teeth slightly pulled at the sensitive nub.

“Joohyun,” she breathed.

The woman only hummed, hands caressing Yerim’s ribs as she kissed her way down her stomach, tongue darting out to taste skin. Her breath hitched as she felt lips sucking below her hipbone, and she stopped breathing altogether when teeth nipped her inner thigh. She swallowed, waiting in anticipation as Joohyun lingered close, teasing her, never quite reaching where she most needed to be touched.

“I swear to God Joohyun,” Yerim trailed off.

“Yes?” she breathed against her skin.

“Please, please just-” Yerim’s voice was cut by her own moan when lips met flesh, and the tip of a tongue flicked just right where she craved. She felt Joohyun’s low groan more than she heard it, a soft rumble shaking her to the core. A breathless whimper left her lips as two fingers slipped inside of her.

“You should see yourself,” Joohyun said. “Such a pretty little thing in my hands.”

Joohyun pushed forward harder, fingers twisting and Yerim lost it. She couldn’t hear her own moans anymore, she couldn’t help but close her eyes and let the feelings wash over her like the tide crashing to the shore. She didn’t even notice her arms moving as her hands tightly gripped Joohyun’s hair, nails scratching her scalp. Joohyun hissed and added another finger, setting up a harder and quicker pace.

Yerim’s world suddenly shattered and went dark, her senses blurry and yet so very sharp. She shook and spasmed, unable to grasp reality, throat so tight she failed to catch her breath. Minutes, hours passed perhaps- she couldn’t tell the time as she eventually opened her eyes and came to. She felt Joohyun pepper reassuring kisses to her temple, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. She was safe. She was safe. Yerim slowly tried to balance her breathing, limbs numb against the warm body beside her.

“Holy fuck,” she finally said.

Joohyun laughed and placed her head in the crook of her neck, hands tracing mindless patterns along her skin. “Language, Yerim.”

“Holy fuckity fuck,” she retorted with a smug smile. The comment earned her a bite from Joohyun, followed by a gentle lick over the mark.

“I hate you,” Yerim said.

“No you don’t.”

She sighed, shifting closer to the woman and taking her in her arms. “No I don’t.”

They stayed in silence for a little while, their legs tangled and their chests pressed impossibly close together. Joohyun’s body was so warm, the softness of her skin a great source of comfort. Yerim’s left hand lazily traced the curve of her spine, causing shivers to erupt from the milky skin. Joohyun didn’t move an inch, allowing her to grow bolder and let her hand wander to the curve of her ass. Yerim marveled at the beauty before her, realizing how lucky she was to be able to touch the woman so freely. Her body was a work of art, worthy to be the center of a painting from the Renaissance. The urge to touch and discover more of the skin pressed at her heart.

“Would you model for me?” 

The slow and steady breathing of the muse against her came to a halt, and she felt Joohyun nudge the side of her neck. “I didn’t know you were a photographer.”

“I’m not.”

Joohyun pressed a demure kiss to her jaw and faced her, gaze questioning. For a few seconds Yerim didn’t answer, she just stared at the feline eyes turned sleepy.

“I used to paint. You know, being an art student and all back then.”

“You want to paint me?” There was a lightness to Joohyun’s voice, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“I think you might be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I have to immortalise you in some way.”

Joohyun kept staring at her with an indefinable hue in her eyes, as though searching through Yerim’s soul for answers. Her gaze didn’t falter. She meant every word she said.

“You’re too charming for your own good, it’ll be my downfall.” Joohyun whispered, kissing her.

Yerim only smiled against her lips, pulling her closer as she thought about how wrong Joohyun was. She was the one falling. There was no denying it.

Yerim simply didn’t know how hard yet.


	12. - 11

“God, that was terrifying.”

“Oh come on, it was nothing.”

“Well, not everyone is heartless like you!” Joohyun almost cried, gripping Yerim’s arm a little tighter.

The two women were leaving the theatre, clung to one another- rather Joohyun was clung to Yerim and wouldn’t let her go. The movie they’d just watched wasn’t even remotely scary to Yerim, and she had been surprised to find the older woman terrified throughout the entire film. It seemed she scared fairly easily, and got startled by the smallest things. 

“Well, not everyone is a scaredy cat like you,” Yerim retorted. “I can’t believe the mighty Bae Joohyun is a pussy.”

The comment earned her a smack on the arm but she couldn’t care less. She had found the one thing to use against Joohyun and embarrass her for the rest of her life. This was just pure delight. 

Joohyun mumbled something under her breath, which made Yerim stop walking and turn to her with her brows furrowed and her cheeky smile still in place.

“What was that, Joohyun?”

The woman huffed and looked away, but Yerim could see the faint blush that had crept on her cheeks. She was adorable. Yerim started to gently poke Joohyun’s cheek to get her to look at her, knowing full well it was a sure way to annoy the woman. She didn’t have to wait long before Joohyun quickly turned her head and tried to bite the poking finger. Yerim’s smile grew wider when Joohyun’s attempt failed, and she snorted when the woman stuck out her tongue. 

“You’re such a kid sometimes.”

Joohyun’s eyes glinted with mirth as she pulled Yerim closer to place a chaste kiss on her temple. The two of them made their way out and they both gasped when the chilly night air scratched their skin. Summer was ending.

“I should have brought my cardigan,” Joohyun said.

Yerim shrugged and kept on walking. The street was somewhat animated despite the late hour. The two women settled in a comfortable silence, engrossed in their own thoughts and taking in the hustle and bustle of the city night life. Yerim’s gaze wandered a little bit and set on the terrace of a bar on the other side of the road. Many people were chatting and laughing, beverages in hands and she smiled to herself when she noticed a woman stumbling and barely catching herself up. She froze when she saw her face. Straight chestnut hair, round cheeks and those kind eyes that warmed everyone in sight. Seungwan.

She hadn’t spotted Yerim yet. 

“Something wrong?” Joohyun asked.

Yerim hadn’t realised she had stopped walking and was now staring openly at Seungwan. She detached her gaze from her old friend and tried giving Joohyun a reassuring smile.

“Nothing, I was just lost in thoughts.”

Joohyun kept looking at her, then casted a glance at the group were Seungwan was. Yerim followed suit and her blood went cold when she found Seungwan staring right back at them. Shit.

She lightly pulled Joohyun along with her and started walking again. “Let’s go.”

“That girl over there, she’s staring at us. Do you know her?” Joohyun asked.

Yerim closed her eyes shut and let out a shaky sigh. Seungwan had seen them. This was probably the last thing she wanted. She cursed herself. 

Joohyun pulled her arm and slowed her down. “I think she’s coming our way.”

Yerim shot a panicked look where her old friend was and her heart dropped when she saw her walking towards them, a determined look on her face.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.”

She looked at Joohyun pleadingly, hoping she’d get the hint and tugged at the hem of her shirt. Seungwan was very obviously drunk and Yerim  _ knew _ that if they didn’t leave right this instant, Seungwan would follow them and demand explanations. She didn’t want to argue with her in front of Joohyun. They needed to leave. Now. 

Yerim’s breath became labored and she could feel the slick dread clawing at her guts, making it harder and harder to stay calm. Joohyun’s face was hidden behind of mask of something undefinable, dark eyes boring into her, analyzing her. Something flashed in those dark, calculating eyes and Yerim repressed the need to cry.

“Please…”

Joohyun clenched her jaw and turned one last time to look at Seungwan, before storming off in the opposite direction, pulling Yerim along. “She seems drunk, she won’t be able to keep up.”

Yerim stayed silent and nodded, grateful that Joohyun was leading them away from her old friend. The two kept walking briskly, none of them saying anything. Yerim relaxed when she noticed they weren’t being followed, and meant to slow down their quick pace but Joohyun kept walking with small hurried steps. Something was off. Yerim knew something was off when she saw the emptiness in the woman’s eyes. 

“Joohyun-”

“-don’t,” Joohyun cut her off. 

A sinking feeling of guilt washed over Yerim, who held her head low and cringed at herself. She had upset Joohyun with her stupid behavior.

“Joohyun I’m sor-”

“-I said don’t,” she snapped. 

Yerim bit her bottom lip and stopped Joohyun, a gentle hand pressing on the woman’s arm. “Please let me explain.”

“Explain what, Yerim?” The coldness of Joohyun’s voice made her heart shrink. “You said it was nothing. Clearly it wasn’t.”

Yerim knew she had hurt her feelings and she felt like a douche for worrying Joohyun.

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered. She couldn’t look at her.

“You could start by telling me who that girl was, and why she looked like she wanted to murder you.”

“It’s complicated, I…” She fidgeted with her nails and avoided Joohyun’s hard gaze. “Her name’s Seungwan.”

A heavy silence lingered between the two of them. The noises of the city were muffled by Yerim’s hammering heart, a dull banging echoing in between her temples. 

“Keep going,” Joohyun said. 

What could she say? This whole ordeal was a mess. A mess she desperately wanted to keep away from Joohyun, because it wasn’t even worth it in the end. 

“It’s not important Joohyun, I promise.”

Yerim stepped closer, arms reaching the woman’s hands in an attempted comforting manner. 

To her horror, Joohyun stepped back. 

“I’m trying really hard not to leave you right here. I’m trying my hardest to be understanding and patient but this game of ‘pull and push’ is starting to take too much of a toll on me, Yerim.”

This hit hard. Joohyun was right. Yerim  _ knew _ Joohyun was right. She was constantly pushing and pulling the other woman. She knew her behavior was wrong, and only now did she realized it had affected Joohyun. She was a fucking prick. She’d treated Joohyun like shit most of the times because of her own insecurities and messed up self destructive habits. Joohyun had every right to be mad at her for pushing her away and shutting herself in once more. What scared Yerim the most was that this time, she cared. She cared and she felt guilty.

Joohyun crossed her arms over her chest. “I want to be here for you, I want to help but how can I when all you do is push me away whenever I get too close?” Her voice was smaller, and when Yerim finally gathered the strength to look at her she noticed how small and dejected Joohyun looked. Her heart broke a little at the sight. 

“I’ll try harder. I promise Joohyun I’m gonna try harder.” Yerim’s voice was barely audible, but Joohyun seemed to have heard her because she closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She then sighed and seemed to think for a few second, warm brown eyes scanning Yerim’s face.

“Ok.”

Yerim’s breath hitched. “Ok?”

“Ok. But I still think you owe me an explanation.”

Nodding her head vigorously Yerim repressed the tears that had threatened to come out. “Can we do this over dinner?”

With a nod of her own, Joohyun let a tiny smile tug at her lips. “Let’s go home.” She took Yerim’s shaky hand into her own and kissed her knuckles. “I’m hungry, and you’re gonna cook.”

Yerim’s heartbeat slowed down, and she felt her muscles relax. “Tteokbokki?”

Joohyun’s smiled turned into a broad grin. “Yes please.”

They resumed walking back to their apartment building, chasing away the cool breeze by sticking closer together. The feeling of Joohyun’s warm hand in hers ease her anxious mind and dispelled the intrusive thoughts she had.

They were ok. 

They were going to be ok. 

Yerim prayed things would stay this way. She would eventually have to tell her what happened with Seungwan, but for now the storm was delayed and she wanted to enjoy the calm a little longer. Perhaps that was selfish, but she promised herself and Joohyun she’d open up more. So things would be ok for them. They were going to turn out ok. 

They had to.

  
  
  


*****

  
  
  


Yerim took the two empty plates with her and put them in the dishwasher, her stomach full and her head clear of any of the previous worry. 

“That was delicious,” Joohyun said. She came behind Yerim and circled her waist with two delicate arms, her chin resting on Yerim’s shoulder. They stayed like this for a few minutes before Joohyun loosened the embrace and kissed the back of her neck. 

“So, are you ready to tell me what’s going on with this Seungwan girl?”

Yerim turned in Joohyun’s arms, and played with the collar of her shirt. “We first met in middle school, she was two years older than me. I was being bullied by some stupid kids and she stood up for me. We became fast friends after that. I was always the quiet kid, I mostly kept to myself because the other kids annoyed me. But Seungwan was different. She was kind and patient but God she was also so fucking loud.”

Joohyun chuckled and squeezed her hips, listening intently. “We spent all of our time together. I was always at her house, playing video games after school, and she would help me with my classes, always making sure I’d done my homework. She was the typical mom friend. We were the bestest of friends.”

“What happened?” Joohyun asked.

Yerim thought about everything, eyes focusing on a point far off the room. “She broke my trust. She did something behind my back and never confessed the truth.”

Joohyun’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. “But somehow you knew what she’d done?”

“Around a year ago, I was coming home from the campus and I didn’t want to be alone in my apartment. So I went over to her house. I had a spare key and figured she was still in class, so I let myself in.”

“Wait, you broke into her house?”

Yerim shook her head, a hollow laugh leaving her lips. “No no no, it’s not like that. I was always at her house, it was like my second home so she’d told me to do as if it was my house too. So I got into the house, went to grab a beer in the fridge when I heard noises coming from her room. I thought ‘hey she’s home after all’. But… Well, she wasn’t alone. Her bedroom door was open and when I went there to tell her I was here I froze when I saw what was happening.” 

Yerim paused, growing upset as she relived the memory. “She was fucking my sister.”

Joohyun let out a small gasp upon hearing this. “And she didn’t tell you? But wait, did the two of them know each other?”

“They were in the same class all throughout high school. That, and Seungwan and I spent most of our time together so yeah, my sister knew her quite well. I didn’t know just  _ how well _ at the time,” Yerim said sarcastically. “So that afternoon when I saw them, I turned around and left Seungwan’s house. I chose to say nothing. I wanted her to tell me everything herself. But she never did, nor did my sister. I felt betrayed, humiliated...The girl I thought was my best friend was fucking my sister behind closed doors.”

“Well, technically that time the door was open,” Joohyun tried to joke.

Yerim chuckled despite herself, and put her arms securely around Joohyun’s shoulders. “You’re terrible.”

“I learned from the best,” the woman teased. She kissed Yerim’s forehead, then her nose, her cheeks and stopped mere inches from her lips. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m glad you told me.”

Yerim kissed her, and continued, “So yeah, sorry about earlier… After realizing Seungwan wasn’t gonna tell me she was having some sort of affair with my sister, I stopped talking to her. I ignored her texts, her calls, I stayed locked up in my room. I became a ghost, literally. I was so mad at her, I couldn’t even look her way. It was the same for my sister, for weeks I couldn’t talk to her. With time the hatred I had for them somehow faded into numbness. I started talking to my sister again, but kept ignoring Seungwan. And a month or so ago, before you and I even tolerated each other,” she teased, “I ran into her and we started arguing. She wanted explanations for my disappearance. I wasn’t feeling like telling her anything so I left. She was crying and almost begging me to stay but I couldn’t .”

Joohyun’s hands were tracing slow circles in the small of Yerim’s back, and she gave her an understanding smile. “You wanna know what I think?”

Yerim hummed, closing her eyes at the soothing touch. 

“I think you should confront her.”

“It’s too late for that,” Yerim sighed. 

“Hey, look at me.” Joohyun cupped both of her cheeks, lifting up her head so she could look at her. “I think it’s such a shame you two fell out. You were best friends for years and years, and in the blink of an eye everything shattered.” Yerim wanted to retort something but Joohyun put a finger in front of her, indicating she wasn’t finished. “I know she betrayed your trust and hurt you. But aren’t you tired of keeping this weight on your shoulders? Aren’t you tired of running away from things? I’m perhaps being a bit too harsh but please consider it. I’m sure it’ll ease your mind in the end.”

Yerim contemplated the suggestion. Maybe Joohyun was right. Maybe she should stop being a coward and face the issue head on. Although it was a great pain in the ass, she could try. Maybe. She wasn’t really sure anymore. She was tired. She didn’t want to think about it.

Yet she said, “Ok, I’ll think about it.”

The smile Joohyun gave her was too bright, too kind that she just had to give in and lose herself in another tender kiss. For now she let herself drown in Joohyun’s scent, the thought of Seungwan slowly leaving her mind. 


	13. - 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW : substance abuse, intense self deprecation, depressive thoughts and the likes...

“Do you really have to leave?” Yerim asked against Joohyun’s back. She heard her laugh, the rich sound almost calmed her racing heart.

“It will only be for a week, two at most. I promise I’ll call you whenever I can.”

“I hate your boss.”

“Trust me love, I hate him too.” Joohyun turned around in Yerim’s arms, and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. 

Yerim closed her eyes and sighed. She was going to miss those blissful moments. She was going to miss Joohyun.

Yet she held her head high and put on a serene mask when Joohyun kissed her goodbye -the softness of her lips making Yerim swoon- and left her alone in her cold, unwelcoming apartment. 

  
  
  


*******************

  
  


The first two days were definitely the easiest. Yerim somehow found ways to occupy - _ distract- _ herself; she’d read, watch tv shows, do her nails, sleep. She slept most of the days away. Like this, she could convince herself she was doing just fine without Joohyun beside her. This was going to be a walk in the park. She wasn’t a needy puppy, she didn’t need constant attention. She was certainly  _ not _ falling for her. She could easily live on her own, she’d done it well enough before meeting Joohyun. She could go on like this. This was fine. Just fine. 

Right?

  
  
  


***********************

  
  


When Joohyun finally called on the fourth day, Yerim had almost felt like crying, or laughing- or probably both. The enticing voice she’d grown so very fond of warmed the darkening depths of her heart. She was breathing again. 

“Hello beautiful, how have you been doing?” Joohyun asked. 

Yerim closed her eyes and bit her lip at the pet name. “Perfectly fine, I’ve been busy,” she lied.

“Oh? Do tell.”

Lying to Joohyun was easy. She wasn’t going to admit she had started to feel more and more miserable as the days passed. It had only been four days, after all. She had to lie. 

“I went to that coffeeshop you took me to a while back. You know, after the aquarium?” The ease with which the words fell from her lips nearly disturbed her. This was just a harmless white lie, she simply didn’t want to worry Joohyun needlessly. 

She heard some noise on the other side of the phone, and could almost see Joohyun’s smile through her voice. “That’s good, you’re going out on your own.” Her voice was bordering on maternal, praising her for behaving and living a normal life. It almost made Yerim feel guilty about lying. Almost. 

Yerim rolled her eyes and huffed. “Well, I’m not a hermit you know.”

She was one. Of course she was one. And Joohyun knew that.

“Sure thing,” she said. There was a small pause, some more rustling and shifting, and Joohyun sighed. “Hey I’m sorry but there’s some business I need to attend… The amount of work is insane here, and my boss is constantly on my back. I’m sorry for being so flaky, but really I’m stuck here. There’s always something new coming up. Can I call you later?”

_ ‘No, please don’t hang up. Not yet,’  _ she wanted to say.

“Sure, talk to you later I guess?” Yerim said instead. She hoped Joohyun didn’t notice how her voice faltered.

“Take care, and please don’t drown yourself in coffee while I’m away.” Joohyun’s tone was light and teasing. Yerim’s heart was everything but.

“Can’t make promises I can’t keep.”

Another pause, followed by Joohyun’s airy laugh. 

“I gotta go now, talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Yerim put her phone away and lay down on her bed. Her room was dark, so dark she couldn’t even see the outlines of her hand when she lifted it in front of her. She was used to her apartment being silent except right now the taunting sound of her own heartbeat rang loud and clear in her mind. She felt like crying. It didn’t make sense. She replayed the conversation in her head over and over again. Was something off? She closed her eyes tightly shut and dug her palms against them, as though pushing her eyeballs as far in the back of her head as possible. Why was she feeling so worked up? It didn’t make sense. She curled herself into a ball, one of Joohyun’s shirt pressed firmly against her bare chest and allowed herself to cry. She cried and cried until the shirt was covered in tears and her throat burned.

  
  


**********************

She ignored Joohyun’s sporadic texts and calls the next day. She couldn’t talk to her. She couldn’t bear hearing her caring voice and childish laugh. The crippling longing she felt, the weight of Joohyun’s absence was becoming too much to handle. Why was she so weak? She needed to get a grip on herself, to calm down— a frustrated shriek pierced through her as she tried to lit her cigarette for the umpteenth time. She furiously threw the broken lighter across the room, nearly shattering it to pieces and desperately searched for a new one. Bedside table- nothing; jeans pockets- nothing; backpack- nothing. There were too many things on the floor, too much ash on the furnitures, too much dirt everywhere. Her apartment was a chaotic mess, just like herself. All of this because of Joohyun. She was becoming her pathetic self again, she was relapsing and ruining herself again because of Joohyun. What did she ever do to deserve this? She had been trying her damn best to be good, to be happy with her so why was she feeling like someone was tearing her apart from the inside? When would this scathing pain finally leave?

“Please, stop…” she cried. “Make it stop, please…” 

Nothing felt right anymore, as though she had had a taste of the sun, only to be yanked from its light into the shadows’ unforgiving claws. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest, the dull sound of its beating echoing in her mind. Her limbs were numb and covered in sweat. Nothing felt real anymore. She wanted Joohyun’s soothing embrace to calm her down and reassure her, but she also wanted her to never come back in her life. Her feelings were contradictory and confusing. She didn’t know what to think anymore. 

In hopes of calming the raging flow of emotion from bursting out of her, she grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and started writing.

  
  


_ There’s this lady who every morning _

_ Crushes my skull with an axe  _

_ The bones shatter to pieces one by one  _

_ The blade is dull and old  _

_ She swings the axe again and again  _

_ And I find myself trying to pull the broken pieces back together  _

_ But my arms are limp  _

_ And my vision blurs _

_ I can’t move an inch  _

_ And the sound of bones cracking fills the room _

_ My heart slows a little more with each hit _

_ And just as I finally accept my fate _

_ The lady picks up all the pieces from the bloody ground  _

_ And puts them back together _

_ For her to grab her axe _

_ And start hitting my skull again.  _

_ As the process repeats itself,  _

_ I’m on the verge of submitting  _

_ But then I see you walking towards me _

_ With your feline eyes and tempting lips. _

_ And I want you far away _

_ but also closer to me _

_ I want you to hold me tight _

_ or to maybe crush my soul _

_ to break my skull for once and for all _

_ so i can finally be alone _

_ away from this madness  _

_ away from this fatality.  _

  
  


Dropping her pen, Yerim left out a shaky breath and read what she had just written. A sad smile made its way on her lips as the words sank in her mind. There was definitely something wrong with her, something  _ very _ wrong. The thought mocked her, so she took the piece of paper and crumbled it into her fist before throwing it not far from her broken lighter.

“You’re pathetic,” she mumbled to herself. 

She got up and waltzed around the mess on the floor, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip until the metallic taste of blood replaced the distant taste of coffee. She needed something strong, something stronger than a cup of coffee, so she went to the kitchen and opened her liquor cabinet, smiling when she found a brand new bottle of rum. She opened it and drank straight from the bottle, enjoying how each swallow burned the back of her throat, the liquid trailing fire down all the way to her guts. 

  
  
  


**********************

  
  


It’s been three days since she last contacted Joohyun. Three long days of ignoring worried texts and disturbed calls. She knew the woman was worried sick, afraid she’d done something bad, but Yerim couldn’t bring herself to answer her. She was terrified of hearing Joohyun’s honeyed voice, and even more terrified of hearing her concerned voice showering her with questions and complaints. Yerim thought the texts and calls would stop after a while, she thought Joohyun would get tired of being dismissed without so much of an explanation. Unfortunately for Yerim, she didn’t. 

It’s been three days. Three days of Yerim crying and shaking like a leaf. Three days of intense episodes of dissociation, her mind completely out of touch with reality. Three days of haunting nightmares and suffocating panic attacks. Three days of Yerim desperately trying to numb the pain through countless glasses of alcohol and cigarette packs. She eventually got used to the buzz the drinks would bring, and now the comforting blanket the alcohol first carried ceased to appease her restless soul. 

Joohyun would come back at some point, and the thought of facing her -and facing the consequences of her actions- made her gag. She was not ready. She was not ready to let herself fall in love with her, it was too nerve wracking. The feelings she had for Joohyun were overwhelming and they kept growing stronger and stronger with each passing day. 

Joohyun would get hurt if they were to continue their little affair, and saving her from the pain was Yerim’s number one priority. She was a ticking bomb, ready to explode and kill everything around her. Joohyun didn’t deserve that, she deserved better. To Yerim, Joohyun deserved to be loved by someone good, someone who was healthy and strong enough to carry the both of them on their shoulders. She was the sky, the sun and the stars painted on the intricate canvas of life. She didn’t need some mentally ill kid who couldn’t even take care of herself. 

So for the sake of everyone, Yerim chose to shut her out and disappear. Again.


	14. - 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew ! Finally caught up with my posting on aff.  
> This chapter contains the same TW as the previous one, lots of angst, I know guys...! I promise all this angst will be worth it eventually ! 
> 
> Take care, 
> 
> June

When Yerim finally woke up, a low grunt rasped her throat as faint rays of sunshine pierced through her eyes, feebly lighting her pitch black room. She could feel the uneasy hint of nausea at the back of her throat, so she chose to lie a few more minutes on her bed, arms limp and sore from the lack of exercise in the last couple of days. She slowly stretched her legs, only to scoff when the empty bottle of rum at the edge of her bed fell down with a hollow thud. The massive headache between her temples made her wince- she hated hangovers. She truly hated the crippling feeling of bile creeping up in her throat, and yet everyday she would continue to drink until she collapsed on her bed, waking up the next morning feeling like a dying whale. She loathed the entire process, and yet every day was spent the same way. She couldn’t break the cycle.

She still hadn’t answered any of Joohyun’s texts nor calls, and after the 12th call the day before, she took it upon herself and blocked the woman’s number altogether. The ringing and vibrating was driving her mad. Her guilt and shame were lazily but surely eating her from the inside out. Now the deafening silence in her dark, lonely apartment felt almost comforting. Almost. 

Nothing quite felt real anymore anyway. The sheets on her bed were covered in sweat -each night spent tossing and turning, plagued with nightmares she would forget as soon as she would open her eyes- and Joohyun’s now dirty shirt never left her clenched fists. The fading smell of pine trees was still noticeable, albeit barely. How ironic, she thought. She couldn’t stand the weight of Joohyun’s absence, couldn’t bear the sound of her sweet, caring voice, and yet here she was, unable to let go of the woman’s shirt. Pathetic. 

A low whimper tore through her chest as she tried to sit up, muscles and head crying at the sudden movement. Everything was spinning, and Yerim struggled to breathe for a moment. The time on her alarm clock read 3pm in bold red numbers. She sighed. Another day wasted away sleeping -or rather in comatose. The cycle would remain. 

She would wake up. Throw up. Drink. Cry. Drink again. Pass out. 

Repeat. 

Wake up. Throw up. Drink. Cry. Drink some more. Pass out. 

Repeat until… until when? 

Yerim didn’t know how much time had passed, the days blurring together in a seemingly never ending loop. With a loud groan, she got up and almost cried -and laughed- at the state of her apartment. Even through the darkness clouding the flat, she could make out the piles of dirty clothes, empty cups of coffee and liquor littering the wooden -dust covered- floor and overflowing ashtrays scattered all around her. The tiny kitchen sink was full of smelly, crusty dishes. The curtains on her large french windows were drawn shut, yellowed by the cigarette smoke engulfing the air. An intense pang of disgust hit Yerim’s chest. The atmosphere was suffocating. 

There was this tiny, demure voice in the back of her mind, imploring her to maybe open the window, or switch on the light. She knew this distant voice. A voice she hadn’t heard in months. One she had almost forgotten. Another person whose absence was weighing on her. A quick glance on her bedside table helped her repaint the soft features of her sister’s face. The picture had been taken back when Yerim was still in highschool. Her sister was crushing her into a hug from behind, eyes shining and in the shape of two crescent moons. The most endearing feature of hers was how her eyes seemed to smile on their own. Her cheeks were full yet Yerim knew her sister to be in excellent shape. Yerim’s own face felt foreign to her. Her skin had a healthy glow, her eyes weren’t puffy nor dull, and her smile… her smile was genuine. That was what felt the weirdest.

With tears now freely running down her cheeks, Yerim flipped the picture down, took out another bottle of rum and downed half of it in one long gulp. Reminiscing was pointless. 

  
  


************

  
  


It had been six days, Yerim found out some afternoon. Six long days of her ignoring Joohyun. Six days of relentless misery spent drinking and numbing herself out in order to perhaps soothe the scathing pain growing stronger and stronger in the pit of her stomach. Six days of hell.   
  
_ How in the world could six insignificant days feel like eternity? _ Yerim thought. This twisted notion of time and space bothered her to no end. It didn’t make any sense to her. And all of this because of one human being? All this suffering, all this heartbreak, caused by one mortal being? If Yerim was religious, she would probably say the Gods were mocking her. 

If Yerim was being honest with herself, she would admit that the problem wasn’t Joohyun. If she wasn’t neck deep in denial, she would perhaps take accountability for her behavior. If she wasn’t so scared, she would admit she was the toxic one in this whole ordeal. But the burning of the liquor felt too good on her tongue, and the numbness clouding her mind was too familiar now to question her own reality anymore. She pushed the matter another day further.   
  


  
************

  
  


On the 9th day of absolute silence, after the cars and the hustle and bustle of the city outside had died down to a low and distant rumble, Yerim’s phone rang. The sudden noise propelled her out of bed, surprised but more than that curious -who the hell could be calling her at this hour of the night? She had blocked Joohyun, Seungwan, and aside from these two Yerim didn’t know anybody else. Or rather, she hadn’t kept in touch with anybody else.

Taking the still ringing device in her hands, she stared at the number -which she didn’t recognize- for a solid ten seconds… before it hit her. With trembling fingers, she gulped and sat herself straight. An unknown number, calling her in the middle of the night? Surely it could only mean one thing. Heart racing, and sweat already forming on her sides, Yerim suppressed a giddy smile threatening to crack her lips. 

Her sister was finally calling. After months of uncertainty -never knowing when would the next call arrive, never knowing on which side of the world she was, never knowing when she’d return… Yerim finally got another phone call. A scrap of news saying “ _ Hey, she’s alive, she’s out there, and she’s thinking of me.” _

Yerim barely remembered their last conversation. It had been short, like always, but oh so comforting and warm, as her sister’s voice always was. Unlike herself, her sister had always been this beacon of light, this almost nervous bundle of energy, never quite settling anywhere, never quite dying down. Her big sister was a far away anchor, but an anchor nonetheless. Despite the distance, despite the rare arguments, despite  _ everything _ … her sister would always brighten her day.

So with a newfound excitement and slightly shaky voice, she swiped right and answered the call, “Yes?”

“Yerim...”

The world stopped, and all the joy and childish anticipation that had gathered in Yerim’s heart died upon hearing the small voice of the caller on the other side of the phone. Yerim’s breathing faltered, and the words got caught in the back of her throat. 

_ Shit. Shit. Shit. _

“Yerim?”

She had to speak now. There was no other option, no other choice. Yerim may be the biggest douchebag in the world, but she wasn’t cruel. At least she hoped she wasn’t.

“Joohyun,” she uttered weakly. 

A small silence settled, and Yerim feared the racing of her heart would betray her. The shaking of her hands got stronger, this time not out of giddiness. The vicious voice scratching at the edge of her mind yelled at her to hang up but Joohyun beat her to it, as though reading her mind.

“Kim Yerim do  _ not _ hang up on me.” Her voice was cold, but shaky. “I swear to God if you hang up on me now…” she trailed off, the ghost of a threat lingering in the air.

“I- I won’t…” Yerim conceded. She was trapped.

A small sigh escaped Joohyun’s lips, then Yerim heard her sniff.  _ Was she..? _

“Ten days, Kim Yerim. For ten days I’ve been trying to call you, to text you, only to find out you have  _ blocked _ me?” The tremble in Joohyun’s voice was impossible to ignore, but her tone remained icy. “I have been  _ worried sick _ for all this time, making up the worst scenarios in my head, praying that you haven’t-” The more she talked, the louder and shakier Joohyun’s voice got. “I-  _ fuck, Yerim.  _ I’ve been trying to convince myself that you were somehow still alive and out of nowhere you decided to  _ block  _ me? As though I was  _ nothing _ to you?” The hurt and distress cut deep in Yerim’s soul. She had fucked up. She knew that. And now she had to face the consequences. Again.

“I’m sorry…” she whispered pathetically. The worst of it was that she  _ was _ sorry. She just didn’t know what to do anymore. She had to take accountability, she had to stand tall and be an adult… but she was so very scared and confused.

A sharp intake of breath was heard on Joohyun’s side. “You’re  _ sorry _ ? After all this time, after the  _ ridiculous _ amount of worry I’ve had to overcome, all you have to say is ‘ _ sorry _ ’?” There was an incredulous gasp, followed by a breathy laugh. “You’re always sorry Yerim. Always. You say you’re sorry but you keep treating me like absolute  _ garbage  _ over and over again! You royally fuck up and apologize, only to keep on behaving like this over and over again and I am growing  _ tired _ of it Kim Yerim! For fuck sake I-” A sob tore through Joohyun’s throat and it broke Yerim’s entire being. “I’m… Yerim, I can’t bear this anymore. God knows how much I  _ care _ about you-  _ Hell, _ I-'' another sob broke through her chest. “Yerim…”   
  
Tears started to well up in Yerim’s eyes, and she couldn’t help choking back a sob of her own, “I  _ know _ , Joohyun. I fucking know I fuck up everytime but-”

“ _ But what? _ Explain to me why in the world- why would you keep on behaving like an absolute  _ arse _ ?”

“I’m sorry…” was all Yerim could say.

“You’re always sorry…” said Joohyun, and this time, it wasn’t accusatory. It was but the plain, sad truth.

After what felt like hours of heavy silence, Joohyun sniffled a cry. “Please. Say something… Anything.” Yerim heard her take another harsh breath, “Yerim, I don’t want to do this… I don’t  _ want _ to but… you have to talk to me.” She pleaded. “For the love of everything, I  _ don’t want  _ to let you go. I just-”

Yerim closed her eyes and cut her short, almost out of breath. “I was terrified.” The mean voice in the back of her mind was yelling at her to shut up, to leave Joohyun hanging, but Yerim ignored it and kept on. “I still am terrified…”

“Yerim I-” Joohyun seemed genuinely taken aback by what she had just said. “Terrified of what?”

With all the little courage she could muster, Yerim took a deep breath in, gripped her phone tighter and chose to just let it all out. “Of you. I’m scared of you, of how I feel about you. I’m scared of these beautiful, terrible feelings I feel whenever I hear your voice, let alone see you. I feel too much. I feel way too much all of a sudden and for so long I had been feeling nothing at all, and the drastic change is scaring the hell out of me.” 

Yerim’s voice softened. “I was an empty shell and… and then you came into my life and made everything so complicated but also so fucking wonderful and I’m so confused, because now you’re gone and there’s this expanding hole in my chest that I can’t- Joohyun I can’t-” She choked back a sob, but kept going, ignoring the knot in her stomach. “I fucking  _ miss _ you. I miss your presence. I miss your weird, loud laugh. I miss your warmth. I miss your snarky comments. I miss how excited you are when you do stupid mundane things like- like how delighted you get when you do the laundry- isn’t it ridiculous? But it’s the fucking truth… I miss you so much it  _ physically hurts _ and the very fact that it does is terrifying because I’ve never felt this way before and I feel like I’m slowly dying inside.”

For a few seconds, Yerim let the silence settle, and tried to recompose herself. “I’m terrified of losing you, so I act like a bloody dickhead and I hate myself for it.” Her hands were shaking, barely able to hold the phone correctly, and the way her chest burnt made her gasp for air. If Joohyun didn’t answer anything back she was sure she would have a full breakdown- but then she heard a mix of a sob and a laugh and Joohyun’s shaky voice filled the air around her.

“Yerim, love, I- God we’re one useless duo you and I,” she laughed. “Yerim I miss you too. I miss you and I- I was  _ so scared _ , and now- now I’m both relieved and worried because I hate knowing how bad you’ve been hurting, but at least you’re safe and sound and…” she laughed again, and her tone became lighter. “Look at you being such a softie. Darling, you should’ve told me… God I’m-” 

On the edge of her bed, Yerim waited for what was to come. “You are..?”

She heard Joohyun clap her hands once. “Fuck it. I had a very elaborate plan for this and I wanted everything to be perfect but fuck it I’m just going to say it.” She sighed, a very dramatic sigh that made Yerim’s heart falter. “Kim Yerim I want to wake up in your arms in the morning. I want to go on cheesy romantic weekends with you. I want to make you laugh when you’re feeling down. I want to hold you as close as I can when we’re watching scary movies because God help me I  _ am _ a scaredy cat. I want to kiss every inch of your skin, soothe every single wound I find on the way. I want the Good and the Bad. Yerim, I want  _ you _ . All of you.”

Yerim had expected everything, she had grieved over every possible catastrophic scenario but this… this was an outcome she hadn’t even considered. Hot tears were painting her cheeks, and a stupidly broad grin was adorning her lips upon hearing this candid confession. Joohyun cared. She truly cared about her, about  _ them _ . Both of them were sheepishly crying and laughing at their own giddiness, like lovesick teenagers asking each other out for prom. Relief. Relief was the most intense feeling Yerim recognized blooming in the very depth of her chest, softly growing into her lungs, her throat, and pouring from her lips in the form of an airy, carefree laugh.

“So I’m not going mad?” she asked, still a tad incredulous.

“No you’re not, love. And if you are, then we’re both going mad but at least we’re in this together.” This made Yerim chuckle. “I told you, you’re not going to easily get rid of me.”

“I think now I won’t ever want to get rid of you. God I never thought I’d say that to someone.”

“Well I’m glad I get to be this special someone.” Joohyun’s smile could be seen even through the distance. “But hey, Yerim-ah… I think… I really think it would be a good idea for you to look for a therapist. I’m not saying you’re crazy, or weird, but you cannot deny how certain issues you have make your life more difficult than it has to…”

Yerim sighed. She knew the subject would eventually come. She had put this off for too long to keep on ignoring it. The idea of having to talk about… She vigorously shook her head, afraid that the moment would be tainted with unpleasant memories, and agreed instead. “I know… I’ve been… Yes. You’re right. I will start looking up therapists in the area… That might… I want to get better Joohyun. For me, and for you.”

“Even though I appreciate the sentiment and find it very sexy of you, I can’t be the reason for you to work on yourself, love. You need to get better for  _ you _ . You deserve it. You are worthy of love and happiness, Yerim. You are real, your mental health is important, and you  _ owe it _ to yourself, and no one else.”

“Sometimes I find it dubious just how wonderful you are, Joohyun. Truly.” Yerim said with a content sigh. They were ok. Things were ok. There was hope, although slim and alien to her, she could picture herself clinging to it a while longer. She had to try, at the very least.

“Just promise me not to shut me out again, Yerim. I want to be here for you, even when you think you’re at your worst. I want to hold you close and help you get through it. You’re not alone.”

A small smile tugged at Yerim’s lips when she breathed, “Not anymore it seems.”

_ Not anymore,  _ she repeated to herself when they said their goodbyes, words laced with what seemed to be hints of... love? The thought made Yerim’s cheeks burn, and as though the past week hadn’t even existed, she clutched Joohyun’s shirt tightly and got up to work. The apartment wasn’t going to clean itself.


End file.
